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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Layo's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, October 18th, 2016
11:49 am
Forecast, with sexy results
The clay pot for my rice cooker broke! :( It shattered while the cooker was on, and it was full of quinoa at the time. We have a spare pot with a chip in it somewhere, but until we find it lunch is going to be a pain in the ass to cook. I'm using a big cast iron pot to make stews for the time being, but it's not a quick process compared to throwing lentils/rice/quinoa/veggies/whatever and broth into a pot and hitting a button.

Also we've been too lazy, thus far, to embark on wine racking projects that need to get done. I haven't gotten any exercise in a month and man I feel it. Low motivation when it comes to chores, for sure.

Here's the coming astrology stuff:

Today: Luna is trine Jupiter! Very nice for networking and business meetings, investment planning, and generally using communication to further big-picture objectives. Unfortunately, Luna is square Neptune later in the evening, and people may feel distracted, confused, or, bluntly, ;) stoned.

Wednesday: Mars is conjunct Pluto. Good for contract killers, corporate raiders, psycho stalkers, and spies. Mean people will make a lot of money on a body count. Luna is opposite Saturn in the morning, making people feel tired/depressed and way less open to hearing about cool new plans, but this trend lightens up quite a bit by evening when Luna trines Mercury and sextiles Uranus, and people feel jazzed about experiencing new perspectives and exploring unusual concepts. This cage gets rattled with the violence of a lightning strike as Mercury opposes Uranus late at night and early Thursday morning. Shocking gossip, disruptive arguments, broken agreements, and paradigm-busting inventions all fit the theme. You'll never guess who's getting married/divorced/outted/transitioning/moving to Mars! If you liked The L Word, this is kind of a cool transit - though hopefully it doesn't go full OJ thanks to Mars having nuclear capability on the same day.

Thursday: Pretty chill. Luna square Jupiter makes some of us overindulge in spending and rich food, but this is generally fun until we get the bill.

Friday: Moon in Cancer opposite Mars and Pluto. You know those horrible Lifetime movies where the noble-hearted mom realizes A Terrible Secret about some guy, with life-changing results? Alternatively, the privacy of the public being compromised by various forms of domestic spying and data harvesting? Fuck that shit, but here we are. An epic battle to save innocent lives from a heartless monster, with many puttings-on of tiny jackets and changes of addresses and identities, or a conspiracy at the highest levels of whatever to something something something world domination. Just picture half the plotlines of Heroes Reborn, and that's it.

Saturday: a relaxing, luxurious, romantic evening as Luna in Leo trines Venus. A good night to go out dancing or to the theater. Also, the Sun enters Scorpio, and as we move into next week people lose the indecisiveness and become intensely focused on a given plan of action, with particular precision on Thursday the 27th when Mercury is in the heart of the Sun, and rising energy levels and dedication after the New Moon in Scorpio on the 30th.

Monday: Good for analysis and mental work.

Tuesday the 25th sucks for relationships, and the topic of women being victimized/enslaved is at the forefront (Moon in Virgo square Venus and Saturn while Venus is exactly square Neptune). Watch out for allergies and contamination.

Wednesday the 26th: Venus is sextile Jupiter, which is pretty good for social events, but note that Venus is approaching a conjunction with Saturn, so be careful of etiquette and strive to be formal and correct.

Friday the 28th: Mars square Uranus is good for sudden hook-ups with unusual people, and unexpected violence and accidents. Psychos will be thrilled that finally shit stops being boring. Normal people will not be so jazzed.

Saturday: sucks. Venus is conjunct Saturn and Luna is square Mars. Everyone is pissy and has slow-self-esteem, and a zit.

Saturday the 30th: Starting a major creative writing or music project in favored by this New Moon, which is conjunct Mercury and trine Neptune - particularly if the themes are dark, obsessive, and involve things like communication with the dead. Oh, and if you actually can commune with the dead, there's that option too. A really good night for a Halloween party! If you're interested in this sort of thing, a dramatic sexual tension may be humming through the air.

Sunday, October 16th, 2016
11:42 am
Populus, party of two
I was braced for the alpacalypse, but it was like:

No windstorm. I feel sorry for Cliff; he tried to communicate that the storm looked a lot smaller as the dire date approached, but after a tornado hit the Oregon coast and someone got hurt in a windstorm locally on Thursday, people were ready for anything.

I had looked at the dramatic Full Moon chart as set for Seattle after Cliff made his post, and was confused that no planets were conjunct angles. Usually the locations that have a configuration rising, setting, culminating or on the nadir gets the brunt of the event depicted. All we had was the Moon-Uranus conjunction trine the IC; which isn't nothing, but also isn't 50-year-stormworthy.

Vietnam had a deadly flood though, killing 21 and destroying tens of thousands of houses. At that location, during the exact Full Moon Mars and Pluto were tightly conjunct the Ascendant, Sol and Mercury were conjunct the Midheaven, and Luna and Uranus were conjunct the IC. That's so dire I'm glad it wasn't worse.

On the other hand, the Phillipines got hit by a typhoon; the Full Moon was square the Ascendant in that chart. There was property damage, 12000 people evacuated, and one person is missing. In that case, the Mars-Pluto conjunction was not a major factor.

24 people were killed during a stampede that happened at a pilgrimage in India. The Full Moon chart for Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh had the Mars-Pluto conjunction conjunct the descendant (mass death), and Jupiter conjunct the IC (religion). Interesting that it manifested as a panic during a journey (Mars and Pluto square Mercury) rather than a storm.

41 people were killed in a Baghdad suicide blast, and eight more in a separate attack. No planets were angular in the Full Moon chart set for Baghdad! It certainly fit the general transits, but yeah.

But that's nothing compared to the Baghdad truck bombing in July, which killed 324 people. That attack happened during a Mutable Grand Cross when the Moon, one leg of the cross, was dark. That place is so dangerous that all bets are off. I set the event chart for July 3 2016 12:05 AM Arabia Standard Time; which, since it was midnight, naturally puts Sol on the IC, in this case with Mercury and Venus. Uranus (explosions) was conjunct the Ascendant, and Pluto (mass death) was conjunct the MC. I was expecting Mars to be active, and he was in his home sign Scorpio where he's very strong, but he wasn't angular, and he wasn't afflicted. Oooookay . . . Venus is angular and trine Mars, and *that's* what happened? D: Still, Grand Cross though.

My own Full Moon was pretty calm, at first. We went to get the juice pressed out of the grapeskins (phase 2 of making red wine), and it wasn't even raining. We even missed the long line of other vintners waiting to use the press by wandering over there late. I'm hoping the wine will decent: we made Cabernet sauvignon and sangiovese, and it smells good. For some reason, the same number of lbs of grapes per batch yielded a gallon more of one variety than the other.

Things got fucked when Steve heard about a supposedly free music event on the local college radio station, on a show where a Scottish-style fiddler was performing and being interviewed. We really enjoyed his performance, so hey, why not go to this thing and see him live. Worst idea ever. The event took place on two floors of a hotel that were rented by promoters, whose talent were all performing constantly in each of the rooms. So that's a lot of fucking banjos. What we didn't know was that it was invitation-only, and even though the DJ told us the public was welcome, we were crashing. Since the event started at 10 PM I was already annoyed because I just wanted to go to bed, not sit around with a bunch of strangers in very close quarters.

I mean, there are people who like to party in convention hotel rooms, and people who never had, never planned to and would totally rather do taxes than make small talk in a room with eight chairs crowded between a bed and a dresser. I had been a member of the latter group. This was a scene, and I don't do scenes. Similar scenes are Pantheacon, ComicCon, and the Lifestyles Convention (this is where swingers try to wife-swap for the first time, one or the other of the girls starts crying, and everyone has a bad time and goes home with a rash - but I myself have never been to one). These types always treat me like shit because I seldom have a clue who the fuck the rinky-dick celebrities are supposed to be, and fail to act sufficiently . . . whatever. If I knew what I was always doing wrong, I wouldn't be doing it, now would I. I don't pose and say I'm into their stuff the way they are is one possibility. You know that when NOTOCON was in town I hid in my house. Anyway, social trainwreck incoming.

The DJ told all of Bellevue which floors this thing was on, so we just got in an elevator and went up. At first, things were chill. Someone asked us if we'd registered, and we told them we just heard about it on the radio that morning. The guy wearing the lanyard said it was a private event, actually, but we could stay and enjoy ourselves. Well, everyone was friendly until they found out we weren't in the industry. After a few hours we were straight-up told to leave. It was a bit humiliating, but I was just going along with what Steve wanted to do so I didn't care. I got to see the fiddler perform and that was pretty much the extent of my interest. Steve, however, was furious. He saw cops in the lobby and was sure the promoters were hoping to get us arrested.

Interestingly, only women were hostile towards us. I bet every dude there had crashed his share of parties, and figured Steve was a guy like them. I mean, you know, they wander the Earth in search of gigs; presumably they're not strictly concerned with the social niceties - you have to be a brash dick to get strangers to possibly say yes to a request, and when you're on the road, strangers abound. But there's an insincerity involved in making yourself likeable to people who can do you favors; and you can't get away from the cold shoulder once favor-seekers realize you're just a rando, either. I'm so not about that. Schmoozing feels like next-level panhandling.

I just figured out that this is what we crashed: https://www.musicgorilla.com/how-it-works/

Oh well. Cunts. These are not big-time musicians, they're folk singer-songwriters who've hustled their way one step above busking on a street corner. It's not our fault a DJ let two entire (very quiet) members of "the public" get wind of their secret clubhouse.
Thursday, October 13th, 2016
11:43 am
Why didn't you just say so
Ha ha, burn!

Rousseau hoped that purity of intention, including the earnest desire for truth, could somehow substitute for any lack of thinking prowess.

Okay fine: INFP it is. They like to travel about or explore the woods, befriending animals and weirdos. They're even willing to live in a van and/or with minimal possessions just so they don't have to get a shitty job that doesn't help them find meaning in life or give them a creative outlet. That's, uh . . . me exactly. I'm always bummed that the other INFPs are too busy smoking dope at festivals to hang out with someone who doesn't go in for the Full Hippie Stereotype (I do NOT think everyone is beautiful inside, or has good intentions, man: however the angry sarcasm doesn't go over with these guys at all, as it could be a symptom of thinking, which might lead to getting shit done, and the next thing you know you're sober and the dreadlocks are missing). Also I hate reggae. There. I said it. I'm not really into having fleas, either. So that's two things.

Even you guys probably think I'm too negative, cynical, and angry. Well whatever, hippies! I'm just a tiny ball of hatorate in a tie-dye dress.

OH, so the point of this post is that a massive storm is headed for Seattle on Saturday, the remnants of a typhoon. Here's what Cliff Mass has to say: A true monster storm, potentially as strong as the most powerful storm in NW history (the Columbus Day Storm of 1962) will be approaching our area on Saturday. The UW WRF sea level pressure forecast for 5 AM Saturday morning shows the approaching cyclone. The central pressure is an amazing 961 mb, with an unbelievably strong pressure gradient around it. Good thing I have that bomb defusing suit freshly drycleaned.
Tuesday, October 11th, 2016
11:01 am
The spectacle I'm not part of
We're studying MBTI for my business class, so I took another assessment. This time I got INFP. Usually I get INFJ or INTJ. It's probably the beta blockers calming me down. ;)

I can see it though; I used to have an extremely romantic, poetic sense of life, but people are so fucking disappointing I kind of threw that in a dumpster, poured gasoline on it and set it on fire. Regrets? Kinda. I used to be able to bliss out pretty much anywhere, but I needed to write about it to ground myself even slightly in reality. So, maybe I was a better writer. Or maybe it was all juvenile bilge.

I still have a hard time relating to things that are overly concrete. Example: am I sympathetic to others? Not if they keep going on about how their exact same animal needs still aren't being met, with no insight into what they really want or why they want it, or even what motivates their poor decision-making. I even bore myself with that kind of complaining. Those people often scapegoat others, so that's alienating. Yes yes, women/minorities/privileged white guys did this to you. Why don't you shut up before you end up in my dumpster fire you no-insight-having piece of crap.

On the other hand, the universal pain no one avoids forever makes me see people sympathetically, in that we're all on the same long slide to losing everything we have - even things we don't realize we have. So . . . my empathy is universal, big-picture, however doesn't make me interested in getting on the phone and talking someone through their latest drama. I don't see problems as having solutions, or the attainment of objectives as something that will make the whining switch to bragging for longer than a day or two. I see the world as quicksand; have a little dignity while you're slowly sucked under, it's not like everyone else isn't going through the same thing. On the other hand, there's no point in dwelling on it, so have a beer and enjoy the view. The beautiful details are the good part - actually the only good part, other than the glimpses of the elegant order behind phenomena.

Which type only cares about abstract aesthetics and could give a shit about imposing change on the here-and-now? I see life as loss, yes, but we exist in a huge, endlessly complicated work of art which is ever-self-renewing, so there's that. We're not on a quest and there's no Grail. We're not playing a game and there's no trophy. We're not climbing anything and there's no peak. We're sinking. We're getting pulled out with the tide. Things develop, but only so there's something that can crack, decay, and dissolve back to chaos.

I think people who take an interest in others and feel motivated to get involved with their communities are fascinating because they're alien. Actually, the things I'm studying in school are all the things I normally never think about: how civilization is literally put together, down to the metal studs. I hope it's good for me. People who think that efforts are NOT futile sort of amaze me. All my efforts have been water down the drain, and all is vanity, but okay; maybe it's just me. So I would say that I'm the opposite of a leader, which does sound about right for INFP.

But then again it's probably just a mood. I hate October; it brings this out in me. The rain is always falling, the light is always grey, the slimy leaves melt off the trees and coagulate on the pavement. Fungus and mold reclaim the world.
Monday, October 10th, 2016
11:52 am
I wrote this for lilchiva
But the journal says I lack rights to view or post. :(

So here:

I'd look that up.

Holy crap, I'm glad I did!

Dag Hammarskjold died in a plane crash on the way to cease-fire negotiations on September 18, 1961 (time unknown to me). On that day, Mars in Libra was square Jupiter in Capricorn! Mars was also closely square Saturn in Capricorn, and conjunct Mercury. Libra rules diplomacy, Mercury negotiations, Mars wars and crashes, Jupiter high-ranking officials, and Saturn (in Capricorn especially) rules mines and mineral rights (that's what started the conflict).

Just a little history repeating itself:

This last Saturday, Luna in Capricorn was square Jupiter and conjunct Mars, as well as conjunct Pluto; she was also square Sol, meaning it was a first quarter moon. Basically Mars square Jupiter got kicked in the nuts.

Warning: tomorrow, Mercury is conjunct Jupiter, and Mercury will be square Mars on Thursday. Not a good week for travel if you're a diplomat or work in a Mars-ruled profession, but one day is particularly harsh. Mercury is square Pluto on Saturday the 15th, which is a Full Moon, which happens to be closely conjunct Uranus. So, Saturday is the day I'd bunker up. I don't like to be all "explosive vest alert!" every time I see one of these, but better smart than full of shrapnel if you're in a high-risk job or location. I mean come on, Moon in Aries is square Mars first thing in the morning, then opposite Mercury, then square Pluto, and _then_ the Full Moon lands on the planet that rules shocking change and revolution? Dude! I'll be wearing this:

Tuesday, October 4th, 2016
11:15 am
Look at me, I'm in a frat
Steve gave me his cold. He needs to stop doing that. A lot of people were sick at school, so it was probably inevitable.

On the plus side, I joined Phi Theta Kappa. I don't know if it's as prestigious as Phi Beta Kappa, but it couldn't hurt to have that on an application to a 4-year university. The website automatically hooked me up with Beta Lambda Lambda, a Black fraternity - I guess because I said I was mixed race? That's cool though. I mean, I can't prove it, but aren't we all (West Coast Americans anyway; everyone came here to get the fuck away from crappy East Coast winters, I hypothesize, and madly swapped gametes on the Oregon Trail. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.)

Did you know that industries have these weird insider codes they use so that non-initiates can't figure out what the fuck is going on? Yeah, ASHRAE has a code assigned to locations called CDD50, which stands for Cooling Degree Days base 50. If you look up Miami, for example, the number you get is 9000. What the fuck does that mean, might you ask? So glad you did! Every day, the median temperature is collected. The number of degrees above 50 is calculated. All those numbers are added together for the entire year. So if 9000 is divided by 365 and you get about 25, it means the median temperature in Miami over an entire year is 50+25, or 75F. There are different bases given in different tables, so you have to keep an eye out. But, I mean. Is it really easier to say 9000 than 75F? It's all madness, madness I tell you. This number is used to determine things like how much insulation a new building is required to have according to code (not fucking much with a number like 9000). If your building sucks, it gets red-tagged and occupancy is forbidden. However, you can do trade-offs, so if one thing doesn't quite hit the mark but another thing exceeds requirements you can get a pass.

Uh, yeah, this is my life now. Sorry there isn't more stuff about gametes.
Monday, October 3rd, 2016
11:01 am
Dona Quixote
I'm taking a project management class this quarter. I'm only a week in, but so far I'm surprised by how much I dig it. The art and science of herding nerds and getting shit done. My other classes involve building code enforcement. Yep. Mmm-hmm. Fenestration and the maiden. Not to say it's dry, but insulation is way less effective when it's wet. If I had talent as an engineer I would be so happy, because then my "people skills" would be about par for the course. I like my teacher though. I just like logical people who focus on quality - not just on the appearance of being busy and popular, but on doing things right. There are basically two kinds of people. Artists, musicians, engineers and coders have more in common than you'd think: they're either perfectionists who love working the problem until they find the optimum solution, or their work is crap. That's not the same as fussing over superficial details, either.

Looking at the efficiency of an entire system is a skill we're supposed to be learning, which I think is rad, and which I also think is rare in business situations that mostly focus on keeping immediate costs low; however, that's just my impression at first glance. I was told that the construction industry is a conservative, slow-to-adapt behemoth, and that buildings use 40% of the energy consumed in the US, so in a way we're being trained to herd the immovable object when we're asked to get these guys to improve energy efficiency in commercial buildings (it's mostly relamping and HVAC, but passive solar is hawt in my opinion, and that means planning building orientation to take advantage of the sun before the foundation's even been poured). These are not hipsters who spring a boner for cool, nontraditional new solutions, though. I'm going to be tilting at windfarms, you guys.

But in a way it's perfect - since I've already wasted my life - to continue wasting it on something that matters. Even knowing that it's probably too late.

Maybe that's why magic didn't work out, though. I wanted to use timing, language, math and correspondences to build something harmonious, stable and cathedral-esque. But consciousness is irritatingly floppy. Annoying factor #1: our minds overlap. I can't get anything done without changing everything, at least a little. That's a lot of inertia. The feedback is jarring and confusing too, like ocean waves sucking all your sandcastles out to sea. Annoying factor #2: the energy source is emotion. What kind of crap is this? Emotional me wants things that aren't good. Emotional me needs to back the fuck up. I don't really want to saddle it up and ride it around, but that's how it works. The theory that your underlayers will get purified enough to be useful by the daily practices kept me going for a long time, but this sow's ear ain't a silk purse yet. I found out what love is, and now I don't know what to do. The wholeness of things I saw during that experience implies that everything is unfolding as it should, which makes "doing" a naive approach from the get-go. I also know I am not one discrete, independent unit, and barging around like "I" am doing things to "that stuff out there" seems dumb.

I think it's pretty standard to get to a certain point and be really bothered by all the needless pain and ignorance - your own, everyone else's - but I never got past it and figured out how healing works, so there it is. I want to build a complex church that's like an astral machine, not tear my chest open and give my heart to the world. (Also I'm still so irritable, and it's hard to get over how annoying everything is enough to bleed for it.) Annoying factor #3: the things we build successfully dissolve so quickly. The truth is a constant overturning, and my attraction to "eternity" makes the constant carnival sideshow in front of my face confusing. The sea is always churning. Wanting things to stay put throws me off the rhythm of the dance, though I also very much want to always be arriving. But the idea of a changeless foundation seems unreal given that mountains explode. Even stars explode. Stillness and solitude aren't the answer, or rather say that the zone in which life exists doesn't particularly allow for them. Too, successfully controlling things can warp and ruin them. I keep turning around and seeing my own fear, because I don't want things to end, and so many things are ending. Maybe in every age some enormous, incomprehensible threat seemed to be looming on the horizon; how then do we look at that; I think we yearn to go back to the time before "the change", but that is particularly impossible.

Okay, that's the Saturn-Neptune square influencing my consciousness, but still. Civilization is built on management, control, measurement, calculation, timetables especially, and, certainly, doing specific things according to a role you've undertaken. Works great for science, too. Why doesn't it work great for magic? One thing we get right away is that we are not our role. So far so good. But everything keeps unwinding from there. Nothing is what we rely on it to be. A spark spinning in a void of fireworks that has to make dinner and do the laundry? How do you get used to it?

And there's another thing. Annoying factor #4: if God is all-good, then he is not all-powerful; if he is all-powerful, then he is not all-good. But no. A third possibility is that he IS all-good and all-powerful, and we are simply wrong about what "good" is. The pro-social rules of human behavior are one thing, and an important thing, but the ultimate good is not necessarily what (we think) is good for _us_. That is just so fucking annoying. Our ethics are something that we, in my opinion, are better off sticking to, but the big picture just doesn't give a shit about the rules that make human society stable. How do you have a relationship with something like that.
Saturday, October 1st, 2016
9:36 am
Gripe crush
Now that they're gone, I can list my litany of gripes against the old management company.

1) They raised the rent $100-200 every year - for a lot of people, not just us. People were constantly moving out. That really adds up, and lowered our standard of living.

2) They kept cutting down trees on the property. Right after that we'd hear a wood chipper going. We think they were putting them through a chipper to save money on "beauty bark" (dead trees dyed and scented to seem vaguely barklike), which is something they'd spread under the bushes.

3) They stopped heating the back pool enough to be warm enough to swim in. Also, ducks were befouling it, so it's not like we wanted to get in that water anyway. This made the front pool crowded as hell.

4) Huge-ass families of employees would take over the front pool for a whole day. They didn't keep poachers who didn't live here out, either.

5) They didn't recycle the practically-new garbage cans they replaced for each resident. All that plastic went straight in the landfill. Also, they charge to pick up trash at the front door, and actually charged you extra if the waste valet people didn't like the way you tied up your bags.

6) Our covered parking space used to be free, but they slapped a $40 fee on it.

7) They charged $35 to pay rent online.

8) We live a few yards from a natural spring, which means the water table is right underfoot. Nevertheless, they thought it was a fine idea to cut up the tennis court and make it into a Zen garden/basketball court combo. Not only is it hideous, but the flawless green court surface started to buckle, creating ugly potholes that were also a trip hazard. These holes were patched by even uglier wads of black asphalt.

9) They actually put it in the lease that none of the residents had been allowed to talk about how shitty the management company was to other people.

I wouldn't be surprised if this whole place gets torn down. An entire city block of new construction is going on across the street, and I bet this place would be worth a lot if it wasn't so shoddily constructed.
Friday, September 30th, 2016
11:34 am
Sucks less?
It's the New Moon today! It's in Libra, and square Pluto. Today's keyphrase is "Justice Against." This phrase is ungrammatical but trendy, and now it's part of a bill to get money out of the Saudis for 9/11! I'd say they owe me money for making me get felt up in airports. But the same legislation uses the word "tortious" as well, which is probably a real word. "Tortious" can be our word of the day. And this is today's mascot, showing the Power of Hope that arises when Jupiter is square Mars and Pluto:

I fucking feel it. Don't you feel it? The positive energy?

Mars square Jupiter perfects on Wednesday. And Sun square Pluto perfects on Friday. Mars is exalted in Capricorn, so you know he will be full of himself when he takes Jupiter onboard. Picture the most cynical blowhard possible, whether judge, trial lawyer, politician or pundit, making a large error in judgment due to overconfidence.

Don't worry, Bill will straighten these people out. (Be it noted that Bill himself has Mars opposite Jupiter in Capricorn, in a Grand Cross with Moon in Aries and Venus in Libra. Wait, Trump has Mars and Regulus conjunct the Leo Ascendant? *That's* the kind of hair that Regulus bestows? Does that seem fair to you? Ooh, they both have Neptune in hard aspect to Mercury. Spellbinding bullshit confirmed (evidently), though I'd do Bill but not The Donald.)

Be advised that the Cardinal signs will be getting their salad tossed now that Mars and Jupiter have joined Pluto and Uranus in their mode, with an eventual Grand Cross in Cardinal signs on December 15 featuring Jupiter, Mercury, Pluto, Uranus, and the Moon. Well that's nice. Finals week is always during a grand cross, how does that even happen?

ANYWAY, my apartment complex just got sold again. I hated the old management with a fiery passion, so . . . maybe it'll suck less? Ha ha yeah right! :)
Thursday, September 29th, 2016
10:51 am
I don't feel good about anything in my life, okay?
Life sucks badly enough that I'm embarrassed to update.

My dad of course chooses the worst week since they raised the rent to start calling and telling Steve I need to buy my mom a Kindle Fire. With what money? Why don't you do it? Why do you think she'll ever be able to use technology? I think it's a waste of time, and I have shit to do that will be slightly less likely to disappoint me.

I'm crappy at being a family member. Once my initial enthusiasm gets shot down I eventually stop giving a shit - but then I never start again. Everyone thinks they can manipulate me if I show them any regard whatsoever, so I stay pretty closed (especially if they think I "have no choice" because we're related). I miss having feelings though. Now I'm just a big, fat defense mechanism. I'm pretty bad at being married, too. I have no unmet desires other than my general inclination to nuke it all from orbit, but I'm slightly depressed and wish I had some drugs; however I know chemicals stop working all too soon, and addiction is irritating. There you have it. The rational choice is always boring.

The job fell through. When you count money in the cash office, you weigh it. It's fast - especially with bag after bag of change. But, the scale broke. It took three days to get a new one. Which also doesn't work. Okay, then it's a software problem. But they're not going to fix it, because I'm realizing that corporate retail is all about being on the phone with help desk every day, and the powers that be never intend to make anything stable. I mean they're still running a DOS system even though it's an international corporation that's adding hundreds of stores a year. AND I got dissed for being slow at counting stacks and stacks of coins by hand. And the boss started fucking with me by taking money out of the cash fund without telling me, and then acted disparaging because I couldn't find it - and finally admitting to taking it himself after like an hour and a phone call to another store. So, I quit.

After all, Fall Quarter has started, and I need to have something left over for actual thinking. I feel like he read some kind of management book about how to psychologically fuck with your peons. To what end I don't know, but that's another corporate retail thing I've seen a lot: the pocket full of pointlessly abusive tactics. I think they try to break you so you'll blame yourself and put up with anything (kind of like a bad relationship). They also took maximum taxes out of my checks after I declared myself exempt on two different forms. That's like a day's wages a week. You know it's on purpose to they can invest it while they're holding it for the IRS.

AND the blepharitis came back. Medicine made it even worse. So I have to go sit in a waiting room again. Every time I go in there, the BP reading is even more ludicrous. They got 185/110 out of me somehow. At home it's 135/80 (if I take beta blockers). I can't go in for anything without them putting a cuff on my arm, and it would be nice to get treated for my actual problem.

After I saw pink eye get mocked in the movie "Spy" I hope the dicks who did that find out how bad it sucks firsthand. Rosacea makes it come back over and over and it's fucking horrifying. Getting old is bullshit. I feel disgusting, and it's all relatively trivial so far, but pondering the potential damage 20 years from now is sickening. I told you guys, I'm not a fan of body horror!

Astrologically Sol and Luna rule the eyes, and currently the Moon is dark while Sol is in its detriment, true. But I think this is Mars progressed conjunct my Venus (and square my Uranus). I have Venus in the 6th, and I always get "romantically" ill when she's hit with an aspect. The 6th is also the kind of service industry jobs I get - which don't last long with Uranus in the hizza.

Long story short, someone kill me and get it over with. The tedium of daily irritations has no end; year after year of one stupid thing after another, with no meaning whatsoever.
Tuesday, September 20th, 2016
12:06 pm
It's time to play, "Where's the rotting mango?"
I've been spending my morning off cleaning, and wondering how long before my karma is paid off and I get to enjoy being normal. This dude is filthy. He actually tries to clean, but it's by spraying chemicals on things and leaving them to soak. Obviously they stay dirty, but he can't bring himself to scrub a thing. On the other hand, he can cook. He made slow-cooked lamb shanks with rice and tzatziki the other day (I helped chop things and cleaned the fucking kitchen first) and the meat was falling off the bone. He's handsome, and good at mechanical things. And doesn't have "angst". Is all that worth always trying to figure out where "that smell" is coming from, and living entombed in his piles of boxes? I hope so. He used to rant about his slovenly ex, whom he mostly stayed with because she was lactating (I don't have any fetishes, but dudes seem to be obsessed with weird shit of one kind or another and his is squirting fluids - which I guess is at least in the ballpark, unlike feet). Anyhoo, Moon in Aries conjunct the Descendant is a strange thing. You wouldn't think you'd get "More Hideous Homes and Gardens" and "Chestally-Leaking Big Booty Bitches" out of that, just "Iron Chef" and "Cock Chuggers 3", but his Saturn is also conjunct his IC.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

In fact, I never wrote this.

We never spoke.

I was never here.
Saturday, September 17th, 2016
6:56 pm
Flickering optimism
Maybe my computer is acting like this because the battery's fried. Does anyone know whether that would make the screen flicker, and the Wi-fi drop out constantly? It's glitchin' baaaaad. I can't really afford a new one, but I can make the Airbook without a keyboard work (plugging in an external keyboard is an ugly solution, but I need something for school because two classes are online).

I did the Seattle weather chart for the Autumnal Equinox, and it looks decent for cold (IC in Capricorn) and storms (Jupiter closely conjunct the Ascendant and square the IC). Good for skiing, if I even have time for that. There's just one problem, though: Sol is rising. Sun = heat. Meh. I guess if the storms are warm (Sun conjunct Jupiter) that's not going to be very helpful. We just had a really warm rainstorm today, for example; it felt tropical. Neptune is square the IC ruler, which is another testimony for the Pineapple Express (we get warm storm systems from Hawaii up here sometimes because of the way the air currents flow). I have a feeling we'll have some nice dumps of snow, mixed with some disappointing rain even at high elevations. So, the usual.

Oh well. I don't see how Steve and I will ever have a morning off both work and school at the same time.
Friday, September 16th, 2016
10:33 am
Beeping backhoes
Store set: done. Training: done. Time elapsed: 16 days. Must be some kind of record!

My job is very solitary. I count the tills and balance the bank. No one is allowed in the same room other than management. :D Dream job. But it's very complicated, so I hope I don't make a fool of myself when I do it alone for the first time. I hope that once school starts they'll just want me to come in at dawn a couple times a week and go home at noon. I'd still have time to write papers all afternoon, which is the best time of day for braining. Then during Christmas break, I can get holiday hours on the sales floor if all goes well and use my sweet employee discount on presents.

I also think I can get an internship at another place for school credit, so I need to talk to my advisor and see if it will be approved. We met the guy who'd gotten hired from an internship previously when we went over there to watch the big, fat, glorious harvest moon rise last night. There could be cooking classes using hydroponically-grown organic veggies, if nothing else. :) They have a living roof, and a greywater reclamation system, and composting toilets - the whole sustainable ball of wax.

I was surprised by how well everything went this week despite the transits of doom. This laptop is still hosed, and the power went out for the neighborhood all evening one night, but really the most obnoxious part is that the city pulled up all the trees along the road to make a traffic circle. The sound of heavy earth movers is constant, with occasional shudders running through the earth and rattling the floor. It's pretty fucking martial in terms of violent death, but only if you're deciduous.

I got the afternoon off yesterday, and it was so glorious! We spent the evening grilling and chilling. That's probably the last sunny day of the season; the clouds moved in today. Then I slept in this morning for the first time in five days (my shifts start at 7 AM). Beautiful!
Friday, September 9th, 2016
2:21 pm
Smashed crockery, etc
Brutal Mercury retro so far. I had to wipe my computer and reinstall Windows. Nice. I lost everything that had been on it before, and I can't upgrade to Windows 10 for free this time. (Not that I'm so in love with Cortana.) AND I have to reinstall drivers for my crappy old scanner. But, at least school wasn't in session - that would have been awful during finals.

Mercury goes direct on September 21. On that day, Moon in Gemini will be square stationary Mercury, making a Grand Cross with Saturn and Neptune. Mutable signs, your trials aren't over. You know what, try to get the day off work if you have planets at 9-15 degrees of Gemini, Virgo, Sag or Pisces.

The bright spot in all this is still completely black: stationary Mercury will be exactly trine Pluto. The Grand Trine with Luna in Taurus is on Monday the 19th of September. Moneymoneymoney, make it rain on all dem hos.

Excellent for pimps, thieves, hackers, speculators and spies. Mercury trine Pluto repeats that Friday. Also relevant:

Pluto rules mass death, and Mercury rules deliveries, but you didn't hear that from me.

Speaking of messages and violence, Mercury retro is square Mars on Monday the 12th - the very day Mercury is cazimi. The King compels a tricky attack, and everything reverses.

On Tuesday the 13th, Sol is square Mars. Impatient, angry leadership.

On Friday the 16th, Luna is in a Lunar Eclipse, opposite retro Mercury and square Mars. I'm going to be real with you right now:

I hope I don't get fired - I'm days away from having next month's rent. I need to work on my charm levels. I'm emotionally transparent, and when surrounded by lazy people, clueless people, and broken glass and pottery while sweat is trickling through my hair (and being one of the clueless people), I tend to get caustic. Unloading delivery trucks all day is the hardest work I've ever done. Parasites make me see red when I'm tired, and you know there are these people who will follow you around acting like their job is to tell you to do the stuff they don't feel like doing. Like bitch, do I look bored to you? Solve your own problems, and if you see something you think needs to get done: FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF. I'm going to have that printed out in raised, italic type on linen-textured business cards.

I like people who handle their business and leave me alone. The real world is nothing but an agonizing group project into infinity though! D:{ Oh god why.

Seriously though, be really careful to avoid injuries. I'm 100% not kidding about the potential for violence and accidents next week, especially car accidents, but also broken computers and communication devices, fights, noise, explosions, fires . . .
Monday, September 5th, 2016
11:03 am
Our great war is a spiritual war
Oh yeah, that's why I don't make money off of having a brain: bad judgment. Oh higher reasoning centers, why so slow on the uptake? I used to be an extraordinarily bad judge of character. And if you do something stupid more than three times, everyone else will decide it's intentional. But really, my default filters are so oddly constructed that the only way to be sure I'm not hanging out with a scumbag is to never hang out with anyone - which is my current modus operandi. It's kind of like having a really bad peanut allergy. You just never eat at Thai restaurants. But by peanuts, I mean people, and by Thai restaurants, I mean all non-superficial human interaction.

Have you ever noticed that bad judgment causes people to judge you? Eh? Eh? The circle of judging.

That's the thing about freedom though. You can do as you like, but oh those pesky consequences. The fascist boot? Your credit report. The horror is not that you're being watched, it's that you're being judged and that the game is rigged accordingly. The options you think are available to you are partly down to your own insight, and partly down to what you're being shown. A bad reputation closes roads. So, people are secretive - and nosy. It's a whole dimension of human existence I want no part of, but that I may as well acknowledge as THE game that's being played: the smilingest hypocrite who throws the most people under the bus walks off with everything. The "mask of respectability" will always be with us.

There are life choices that aren't inherently immoral, but that we know we'd be judged for. They mostly revolve around forbidden pleasures and relationships, but some involve forbidden avenues of inquiry. Let's say, homosexuality, polyamory, witchcraft, psychic development, entheogens, etc. - they don't hurt anyone else when practiced decently, but these are things you reveal selectively because there are people who'd like to see you in jail or worse. A fringe like this will always be with us, no matter how liberal we try to make society. Most people are not liberal, and that's not going to change. Even people who have clandestine enthusiasms mostly believe that the rest of us should not. They're special. You're not. Or, they hate themselves.

So to pursue these interests, you have to have a circle of trust. This is where the game gets dicey. Harmless secrets fade right across into unethical secrets, and if that all happens in the same group that has dirt on you, now you're stuck protecting people who are doing things that actually suck. It's that or be cast out and exposed.

If you try to do anything with your life, people automatically try to find out what you're hiding. If you don't try to do anything with your life, there's the strong temptation to become one of the carping crowd throwing rocks at people who do. If you become one of the crowd, you'll be recruited to throw rocks at the behest of sinister people who use judgmental crowds to crush their enemies. Not everyone minds this. Anti-social urges acted on as a group become, tah-dah, pro-social.

Long story short: social anxiety is a rational reaction to the world we actually live in. There's no escape from the constant squirming over the tops of each other, like an endless oily wrestling match. Gah. I mean, if you're the type to find this kind of thing repulsive, we're already in Hell. People, on the whole, don't change . . . and you can't get away from them. They're all seeking power - over you - and slander is a way to get it. This, on top of the fact that we're destroying the world we live in, and the fact that we will all age painfully and die in a diaper (unless we die young), is just . . . fucking fuck. It is hard to hope for anything but to avoid almost everything when you see things the way I do.

Maybe masochists are the ones who have it wired. If you enjoy suffering, degradation and being oppressed, you will never be disappointed. It's logical to find it hot, since that's what you're going to get. Kind of like "love the one you're with," but existential. Assume 1) God is beautiful and perfect, and potentially the bringer of bliss 2) God is torturing you 3) suffering improves you so you're fit for God's love 4) long for death's sweet release because that is when, purified, God will gather you to his manly, sculpted bosom and your sacrifices will earn you unspeakably glorious consummation, without end 5) PROFIT

I mean, it makes sense, in a way that makes no sense. Emotions, man.

Current Mood: the horror
Sunday, September 4th, 2016
10:52 am
I have eight tentacles and they all hurt
Happy Birthday marginaleye, wherever you may be.

Today is my Mars Return. It happens to each of us about every two years. It's like your birthday - when the Sun returns to its place at your birth - but for Mars! (I'm only 22 in Mars years, but around 600 in Moon years . . . if you count a trip around the zodiac as a "year" . . . anyway.) All returns are PORTENTS OF DOOM. Apparently you're more likely to die on your birthday, and the odds just get worse the more of the other planets are also sitting at their natal degrees! Eek! But I'm sure marginaleye doesn't have to worry.

As for me, my Mars is in Sag; Sag rules the thighs; my thighs are so sore I can barely walk. But it's not like it's a Saturn Return - that lasts a few years, prunes off some branches of potential forever, and permanently turns the consequences faucet on full blast. Mars Return just lasts a few days and makes you do calisthenics. I usually get a physical labor job during Mars return, and this one is no exception. I've been setting up store shelves. And that's the job I always get, which is kinda why I hate to work. I've done gardening, three store-sets, food service, stockroom s&r, and ski instructing. If you like sore feet and a sore lower back, I'll trade you natal charts. I have a brain, but I'll never get to make money with it, and actually I don't really know why. ??? Oh well; at least most of my life I've slacked instead of putting up with this fate. Good judgment call, mostly.

I like the other people who work there though, so I kinda want to not slack (I never slack at work btw, despite my misgivings about doing any) even after I've hit my summer-break employment goal. It would be cool if I get picked to stay on after they open, though working around homework deadlines will be a pain in the ass. So far this has been perfect timing for school: I've already gotten enough hours to be able to afford wine grapes, and hopefully next I'll be able to make some inroads on my debt. Let's be honest, we need to make $6000 by the end of the year. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Paying interest pisses me off.

Hey, I'm only one-and-a-half in Saturn years! That's comforting. Too bad the average human lifespan is three. :(

What else. Well, the lunar eclipse in Pisces is on the 16th, and it will be closely square Mars. Haul ass, or get your ass kicked: these are the choices for those with a bunch of mutable placements. Do you have planets or angles in Pisces, Virgo, Gemini and/or Sag? Then these two weeks between eclipses are the times that try men's souls. Plus, we got Mercury retro in a mutable sign. So. Be really careful to avoid injuries, and lift with your legs. Don't buy a computer, phone or car. Good luck. *salute*

On the plus side, Jupiter is about to enter Libra! Jupiter has been in poor dignities in Virgo, and that's all about to change! Woo! Wonder if I'll notice!
Thursday, September 1st, 2016
8:20 pm
Wednesday, August 31st, 2016
2:33 pm
Typhon (volcano) and Apophis (the serpent who swallows the sun during the eclipse) \o/
Today's the dark of the moon before a spoopy eclipse. It's raining, and it feels like Halloween already. Appropriately, I saw The Witch last night. The movie as a mental and emotional time machine: the world the Puritans thought they lived in. I was hoping for that approach, and they did it more carefully than I expected. (Mercury was stationing on my Pluto - appropriate for a movie about the Devil.) After watching the interviews in the extras, I suppose it was made by real witches/diabolists with a scholarly bent, which explains the cheeseless take on the subject matter.

As for me, I've never vibed with the Salem/New England perspective on witchcraft. I'm not afraid of the woods and I don't find spirits creepy. Like anyone, I suppose I was aghast to find out where babies come from, but the horror didn't exactly constellate in the figure of the "evil witch of the wood." I find _people_ creepy, but more in a pain-in-the-ass kind of way than a horror movie way. My sanity once took a vacation and I thought I was surrounded by people who were possessed by beings from ancient Egypt and Greece, though . . . so I have that going for me. :/ Which still just made me more angry than anything. Typhon is one of my favorites, so how's it going to get worse?

"what up, dude?"

I couldn't sleep for the third night in a row (even though all the bills are paid but one - you'd think I could chill) so I got up and calcined some ashes from a project I did so long ago I can't remember what they're from. I'd already done the cohobation, but then I'd washed the precipitate and left the whole thing sitting in a jar for months. Last week, though, I needed the mason jar for pickles - hence the drying-and-recalcining project, so I could save the Salt. I ended up with 8 ounces of mostly calcium carbonate when I was done. This is something I found out I can use as an antacid. It's hard to part with a nice white Salt (even after the best part has been dissolved and poured off). I also admired the gorgeous glass distillation train we bought but never used. I'm like an alchemist, but not an alchemist: still intimidated by Sulfur, I extract it with Everclear, or use a pot still, and call it a day. So awkward. It's been like 10 years now. I have fermented rainwater, and I need to distill it in glass. Trying to scrape together the balls to do this thing.

I dealt with some financial stuff yesterday, and basically got $80 back in fees. Credit cards are a nightmare and I wish it hadn't come to this. I just haaaaad to take a math class that explains how badly I'm getting fucked in interest. It either beats or delays living under a bridge: I will find out which eventually, unless I drop dead while I'm still in debt, ah ha ha ha.

Speaking of which, looks like I got straight A's this Summer! I realize how snotty I must have seemed when I rolled my eyes about taking math and English. But that bit is over now, so that's one less piece of friction with the advisor. Hurray. I didn't want to spend two quarters going back over this stuff, but the classes I took were not review. How about that.

Yesterday was the last sunny day of the summer . . . but the heated pool was still closed. So we went to our brewery on the hill to sit in the sun with a beer . . . but the patio was reserved for a cult/MLM presentation, that was mostly full of like 100 women my age, all staring in rapt attention. Yeah sure you're going to get rich; keep believing it, shit for brains. Ahem. Thwarted there, we went somewhere else and sat sadly in the encroaching shadows of evening. Bah. I haven't gotten any exercise in three days, and keep getting distracted by how great it is to have to time to sit around doing nothing for a change. This is my least favorite time of the year: when the rains return. Wake me when the slopes have snow.
Monday, August 29th, 2016
2:42 pm
1:54 pm
Fine wine and fruit flies
Wouldn't you know it: after days of sweltering heat, including the day the clouds finally rolled in, it was too overcast to see the Mercury-Venus-Jupiter conjunction. What a drag. Yesterday, it even rained. The conjunction was on my natal Pluto. My reaction was: MOAR PICKLING! Now there are radishes and beets and green beans swimming in brine.

Rain didn't stop us from dining al fresco while listening to classical music on a teeny tiny radio. We shared a grilled porterhouse that was still too much for me to eat, topped with sauteed mushrooms and onions. Man, it's like we're back in the good old days. I used to swim though a pink cloud of bliss, floating from one delectation to another.

Well, not THESE last few months. It's been the worst summer in years in terms of actually enjoying anything, because the neighbors have infinite screeching children in the pool, all day, every day. I barely remembered what being happy while outdoors would feel like. When it's not kids, it's wasps. This place has really gone downhill. In fact, today it's finally sunny again, but the front pool is closed and the back pool isn't heated (though they claim it is). The weather is supposed to be cold for the rest of the week, and the management will probably close them both after Labor Day. I guess I've swum my last swim for the year. I don't really care. I just exercise, and get back out. It's not fun, it's work.

Whatever: this mediocrity still beats the constant anger. I've had a really hard time maintaining even the smallest amount of Zen. I'm starting to think I just plain hate everyone, because as soon as I see a human my impulse is to do a 180. Well, maybe it's the Mars-Saturn conjunction on my natal Mars making me so misanthropic and infuriated. It sure the fuck ain't Maybelline. I actually had heart palpitations last night.
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