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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Layo's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 30th, 2016
11:34 am
Sucks less?
It's the New Moon today! It's in Libra, and square Pluto. Today's keyphrase is "Justice Against." This phrase is ungrammatical but trendy, and now it's part of a bill to get money out of the Saudis for 9/11! I'd say they owe me money for making me get felt up in airports. But the same legislation uses the word "tortious" as well, which is probably a real word. "Tortious" can be our word of the day. And this is today's mascot, showing the Power of Hope that arises when Jupiter is square Mars and Pluto:

I fucking feel it. Don't you feel it? The positive energy?

Mars square Jupiter perfects on Wednesday. And Sun square Pluto perfects on Friday. Mars is exalted in Capricorn, so you know he will be full of himself when he takes Jupiter onboard. Picture the most cynical blowhard possible, whether judge, trial lawyer, politician or pundit, making a large error in judgment due to overconfidence.

Don't worry, Bill will straighten these people out out. (Be it noted that Bill himself has Mars opposite Jupiter in Capricorn, in a Grand Cross with Moon in Aries and Venus in Libra. Wait, Trump has Mars and Regulus conjunct the Leo Ascendant? *That's* the kind of hair that Regulus bestows? Does that seem fair to you? Ooh, they both have Neptune in hard aspect to Mercury. Spellbinding bullshit confirmed, though I'd do Bill but not The Donald.)

Be advised that the Cardinal signs will be getting their salad tossed now that Mars and Jupiter have joined Pluto and Uranus in their mode, with an eventual Grand Cross in Cardinal signs on December 15 featuring Jupiter, Mercury, Pluto, Uranus, and the Moon. Well that's nice. Finals week is always during a grand cross, how does that even happen?

ANYWAY, my apartment complex just got sold again. I hated the old management with a fiery passion, so . . . maybe it'll suck less? Ha ha yeah right! :)
Thursday, September 29th, 2016
10:51 am
I don't feel good about anything in my life, okay?
Life sucks badly enough that I'm embarrassed to update.

My dad of course chooses the worst week since they raised the rent to start calling and telling Steve I need to buy my mom a Kindle Fire. With what money? Why don't you do it? Why do you think she'll ever be able to use technology? I think it's a waste of time, and I have shit to do that will be slightly less likely to disappoint me.

I'm crappy at being a family member. Once my initial enthusiasm gets shot down I eventually stop giving a shit - but then I never start again. Everyone thinks they can manipulate me if I show them any regard whatsoever, so I stay pretty closed (especially if they think I "have no choice" because we're related). I miss having feelings though. Now I'm just a big, fat defense mechanism. I'm pretty bad at being married, too. I have no unmet desires other than my general inclination to nuke it all from orbit, but I'm slightly depressed and wish I had some drugs; however I know chemicals stop working all too soon, and addiction is irritating. There you have it. The rational choice is always boring.

The job fell through. When you count money in the cash office, you weigh it. It's fast - especially with bag after bag of change. But, the scale broke. It took three days to get a new one. Which also doesn't work. Okay, then it's a software problem. But they're not going to fix it, because I'm realizing that corporate retail is all about being on the phone with help desk every day, and the powers that be never intend to make anything stable. I mean they're still running a DOS system even though it's an international corporation that's adding hundreds of stores a year. AND I got dissed for being slow at counting stacks and stacks of coins by hand. And the boss started fucking with me by taking money out of the cash fund without telling me, and then acted disparaging because I couldn't find it - and finally admitting to taking it himself after like an hour and a phone call to another store. So, I quit.

After all, Fall Quarter has started, and I need to have something left over for actual thinking. I feel like he read some kind of management book about how to psychologically fuck with your peons. To what end I don't know, but that's another corporate retail thing I've seen a lot: the pocket full of pointlessly abusive tactics. I think they try to break you so you'll blame yourself and put up with anything (kind of like a bad relationship). They also took maximum taxes out of my checks after I declared myself exempt on two different forms. That's like a day's wages a week. You know it's on purpose to they can invest it while they're holding it for the IRS.

AND the blepharitis came back. Medicine made it even worse. So I have to go sit in a waiting room again. Every time I go in there, the BP reading is even more ludicrous. They got 185/110 out of me somehow. At home it's 135/80 (if I take beta blockers). I can't go in for anything without them putting a cuff on my arm, and it would be nice to get treated for my actual problem.

After I saw pink eye get mocked in the movie "Spy" I hope the dicks who did that find out how bad it sucks firsthand. Rosacea makes it come back over and over and it's fucking horrifying. Getting old is bullshit. I feel disgusting, and it's all relatively trivial so far, but pondering the potential damage 20 years from now is sickening. I told you guys, I'm not a fan of body horror!

Astrologically Sol and Luna rule the eyes, and currently the Moon is dark while Sol is in its detriment, true. But I think this is Mars progressed conjunct my Venus (and square my Uranus). I have Venus in the 6th, and I always get "romantically" ill when she's hit with an aspect. The 6th is also the kind of service industry jobs I get - which don't last long with Uranus in the hizza.

Long story short, someone kill me and get it over with. The tedium of daily irritations has no end; year after year of one stupid thing after another, with no meaning whatsoever.
Tuesday, September 20th, 2016
12:06 pm
It's time to play, "Where's the rotting mango?"
I've been spending my morning off cleaning, and wondering how long before my karma is paid off and I get to enjoy being normal. This dude is filthy. He actually tries to clean, but it's by spraying chemicals on things and leaving them to soak. Obviously they stay dirty, but he can't bring himself to scrub a thing. On the other hand, he can cook. He made slow-cooked lamb shanks with rice and tzatziki the other day (I helped chop things and cleaned the fucking kitchen first) and the meat was falling off the bone. He's handsome, and good at mechanical things. And doesn't have "angst". Is all that worth always trying to figure out where "that smell" is coming from, and living entombed in his piles of boxes? I hope so. He used to rant about his slovenly ex, whom he mostly stayed with because she was lactating (I don't have any fetishes, but dudes seem to be obsessed with weird shit of one kind or another and his is squirting fluids - which I guess is at least in the ballpark, unlike feet). Anyhoo, Moon in Aries conjunct the Descendant is a strange thing. You wouldn't think you'd get "More Hideous Homes and Gardens" and "Chestally-Leaking Big Booty Bitches" out of that, just "Iron Chef" and "Cock Chuggers 3", but his Saturn is also conjunct his IC.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

In fact, I never wrote this.

We never spoke.

I was never here.
Saturday, September 17th, 2016
6:56 pm
Flickering optimism
Maybe my computer is acting like this because the battery's fried. Does anyone know whether that would make the screen flicker, and the Wi-fi drop out constantly? It's glitchin' baaaaad. I can't really afford a new one, but I can make the Airbook without a keyboard work (plugging in an external keyboard is an ugly solution, but I need something for school because two classes are online).

I did the Seattle weather chart for the Autumnal Equinox, and it looks decent for cold (IC in Capricorn) and storms (Jupiter closely conjunct the Ascendant and square the IC). Good for skiing, if I even have time for that. There's just one problem, though: Sol is rising. Sun = heat. Meh. I guess if the storms are warm (Sun conjunct Jupiter) that's not going to be very helpful. We just had a really warm rainstorm today, for example; it felt tropical. Neptune is square the IC ruler, which is another testimony for the Pineapple Express (we get warm storm systems from Hawaii up here sometimes because of the way the air currents flow). I have a feeling we'll have some nice dumps of snow, mixed with some disappointing rain even at high elevations. So, the usual.

Oh well. I don't see how Steve and I will ever have a morning off both work and school at the same time.
Friday, September 16th, 2016
10:33 am
Beeping backhoes
Store set: done. Training: done. Time elapsed: 16 days. Must be some kind of record!

My job is very solitary. I count the tills and balance the bank. No one is allowed in the same room other than management. :D Dream job. But it's very complicated, so I hope I don't make a fool of myself when I do it alone for the first time. I hope that once school starts they'll just want me to come in at dawn a couple times a week and go home at noon. I'd still have time to write papers all afternoon, which is the best time of day for braining. Then during Christmas break, I can get holiday hours on the sales floor if all goes well and use my sweet employee discount on presents.

I also think I can get an internship at another place for school credit, so I need to talk to my advisor and see if it will be approved. We met the guy who'd gotten hired from an internship previously when we went over there to watch the big, fat, glorious harvest moon rise last night. There could be cooking classes using hydroponically-grown organic veggies, if nothing else. :) They have a living roof, and a greywater reclamation system, and composting toilets - the whole sustainable ball of wax.

I was surprised by how well everything went this week despite the transits of doom. This laptop is still hosed, and the power went out for the neighborhood all evening one night, but really the most obnoxious part is that the city pulled up all the trees along the road to make a traffic circle. The sound of heavy earth movers is constant, with occasional shudders running through the earth and rattling the floor. It's pretty fucking martial in terms of violent death, but only if you're deciduous.

I got the afternoon off yesterday, and it was so glorious! We spent the evening grilling and chilling. That's probably the last sunny day of the season; the clouds moved in today. Then I slept in this morning for the first time in five days (my shifts start at 7 AM). Beautiful!
Friday, September 9th, 2016
2:21 pm
Smashed crockery, etc
Brutal Mercury retro so far. I had to wipe my computer and reinstall Windows. Nice. I lost everything that had been on it before, and I can't upgrade to Windows 10 for free this time. (Not that I'm so in love with Cortana.) AND I have to reinstall drivers for my crappy old scanner. But, at least school wasn't in session - that would have been awful during finals.

Mercury goes direct on September 21. On that day, Moon in Gemini will be square stationary Mercury, making a Grand Cross with Saturn and Neptune. Mutable signs, your trials aren't over. You know what, try to get the day off work if you have planets at 9-15 degrees of Gemini, Virgo, Sag or Pisces.

The bright spot in all this is still completely black: stationary Mercury will be exactly trine Pluto. The Grand Trine with Luna in Taurus is on Monday the 19th of September. Moneymoneymoney, make it rain on all dem hos.

Excellent for pimps, thieves, hackers, speculators and spies. Mercury trine Pluto repeats that Friday. Also relevant:

Pluto rules mass death, and Mercury rules deliveries, but you didn't hear that from me.

Speaking of messages and violence, Mercury retro is square Mars on Monday the 12th - the very day Mercury is cazimi. The King compels a tricky attack, and everything reverses.

On Tuesday the 13th, Sol is square Mars. Impatient, angry leadership.

On Friday the 16th, Luna is in a Lunar Eclipse, opposite retro Mercury and square Mars. I'm going to be real with you right now:

I hope I don't get fired - I'm days away from having next month's rent. I need to work on my charm levels. I'm emotionally transparent, and when surrounded by lazy people, clueless people, and broken glass and pottery while sweat is trickling through my hair (and being one of the clueless people), I tend to get caustic. Unloading delivery trucks all day is the hardest work I've ever done. Parasites make me see red when I'm tired, and you know there are these people who will follow you around acting like their job is to tell you to do the stuff they don't feel like doing. Like bitch, do I look bored to you? Solve your own problems, and if you see something you think needs to get done: FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF. I'm going to have that printed out in raised, italic type on linen-textured business cards.

I like people who handle their business and leave me alone. The real world is nothing but an agonizing group project into infinity though! D:{ Oh god why.

Seriously though, be really careful to avoid injuries. I'm 100% not kidding about the potential for violence and accidents next week, especially car accidents, but also broken computers and communication devices, fights, noise, explosions, fires . . .
Monday, September 5th, 2016
11:03 am
Our great war is a spiritual war
Oh yeah, that's why I don't make money off of having a brain: bad judgment. Oh higher reasoning centers, why so slow on the uptake? I used to be an extraordinarily bad judge of character. And if you do something stupid more than three times, everyone else will decide it's intentional. But really, my default filters are so oddly constructed that the only way to be sure I'm not hanging out with a scumbag is to never hang out with anyone - which is my current modus operandi. It's kind of like having a really bad peanut allergy. You just never eat at Thai restaurants. But by peanuts, I mean people, and by Thai restaurants, I mean all non-superficial human interaction.

Have you ever noticed that bad judgment causes people to judge you? Eh? Eh? The circle of judging.

That's the thing about freedom though. You can do as you like, but oh those pesky consequences. The fascist boot? Your credit report. The horror is not that you're being watched, it's that you're being judged and that the game is rigged accordingly. The options you think are available to you are partly down to your own insight, and partly down to what you're being shown. A bad reputation closes roads. So, people are secretive - and nosy. It's a whole dimension of human existence I want no part of, but that I may as well acknowledge as THE game that's being played: the smilingest hypocrite who throws the most people under the bus walks off with everything. The "mask of respectability" will always be with us.

There are life choices that aren't inherently immoral, but that we know we'd be judged for. They mostly revolve around forbidden pleasures and relationships, but some involve forbidden avenues of inquiry. Let's say, homosexuality, polyamory, witchcraft, psychic development, entheogens, etc. - they don't hurt anyone else when practiced decently, but these are things you reveal selectively because there are people who'd like to see you in jail or worse. A fringe like this will always be with us, no matter how liberal we try to make society. Most people are not liberal, and that's not going to change. Even people who have clandestine enthusiasms mostly believe that the rest of us should not. They're special. You're not. Or, they hate themselves.

So to pursue these interests, you have to have a circle of trust. This is where the game gets dicey. Harmless secrets fade right across into unethical secrets, and if that all happens in the same group that has dirt on you, now you're stuck protecting people who are doing things that actually suck. It's that or be cast out and exposed.

If you try to do anything with your life, people automatically try to find out what you're hiding. If you don't try to do anything with your life, there's the strong temptation to become one of the carping crowd throwing rocks at people who do. If you become one of the crowd, you'll be recruited to throw rocks at the behest of sinister people who use judgmental crowds to crush their enemies. Not everyone minds this. Anti-social urges acted on as a group become, tah-dah, pro-social.

Long story short: social anxiety is a rational reaction to the world we actually live in. There's no escape from the constant squirming over the tops of each other, like an endless oily wrestling match. Gah. I mean, if you're the type to find this kind of thing repulsive, we're already in Hell. People, on the whole, don't change . . . and you can't get away from them. They're all seeking power - over you - and slander is a way to get it. This, on top of the fact that we're destroying the world we live in, and the fact that we will all age painfully and die in a diaper (unless we die young), is just . . . fucking fuck. It is hard to hope for anything but to avoid almost everything when you see things the way I do.

Maybe masochists are the ones who have it wired. If you enjoy suffering, degradation and being oppressed, you will never be disappointed. It's logical to find it hot, since that's what you're going to get. Kind of like "love the one you're with," but existential. Assume 1) God is beautiful and perfect, and potentially the bringer of bliss 2) God is torturing you 3) suffering improves you so you're fit for God's love 4) long for death's sweet release because that is when, purified, God will gather you to his manly, sculpted bosom and your sacrifices will earn you unspeakably glorious consummation, without end 5) PROFIT

I mean, it makes sense, in a way that makes no sense. Emotions, man.

Current Mood: the horror
Sunday, September 4th, 2016
10:52 am
I have eight tentacles and they all hurt
Happy Birthday marginaleye, wherever you may be.

Today is my Mars Return. It happens to each of us about every two years. It's like your birthday - when the Sun returns to its place at your birth - but for Mars! (I'm only 22 in Mars years, but around 600 in Moon years . . . if you count a trip around the zodiac as a "year" . . . anyway.) All returns are PORTENTS OF DOOM. Apparently you're more likely to die on your birthday, and the odds just get worse the more of the other planets are also sitting at their natal degrees! Eek! But I'm sure marginaleye doesn't have to worry.

As for me, my Mars is in Sag; Sag rules the thighs; my thighs are so sore I can barely walk. But it's not like it's a Saturn Return - that lasts a few years, prunes off some branches of potential forever, and permanently turns the consequences faucet on full blast. Mars Return just lasts a few days and makes you do calisthenics. I usually get a physical labor job during Mars return, and this one is no exception. I've been setting up store shelves. And that's the job I always get, which is kinda why I hate to work. I've done gardening, three store-sets, food service, stockroom s&r, and ski instructing. If you like sore feet and a sore lower back, I'll trade you natal charts. I have a brain, but I'll never get to make money with it, and actually I don't really know why. ??? Oh well; at least most of my life I've slacked instead of putting up with this fate. Good judgment call, mostly.

I like the other people who work there though, so I kinda want to not slack (I never slack at work btw, despite my misgivings about doing any) even after I've hit my summer-break employment goal. It would be cool if I get picked to stay on after they open, though working around homework deadlines will be a pain in the ass. So far this has been perfect timing for school: I've already gotten enough hours to be able to afford wine grapes, and hopefully next I'll be able to make some inroads on my debt. Let's be honest, we need to make $6000 by the end of the year. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Paying interest pisses me off.

Hey, I'm only one-and-a-half in Saturn years! That's comforting. Too bad the average human lifespan is three. :(

What else. Well, the lunar eclipse in Pisces is on the 16th, and it will be closely square Mars. Haul ass, or get your ass kicked: these are the choices for those with a bunch of mutable placements. Do you have planets or angles in Pisces, Virgo, Gemini and/or Sag? Then these two weeks between eclipses are the times that try men's souls. Plus, we got Mercury retro in a mutable sign. So. Be really careful to avoid injuries, and lift with your legs. Don't buy a computer, phone or car. Good luck. *salute*

On the plus side, Jupiter is about to enter Libra! Jupiter has been in poor dignities in Virgo, and that's all about to change! Woo! Wonder if I'll notice!
Thursday, September 1st, 2016
8:20 pm
Wednesday, August 31st, 2016
2:33 pm
Typhon (volcano) and Apophis (the serpent who swallows the sun during the eclipse) \o/
Today's the dark of the moon before a spoopy eclipse. It's raining, and it feels like Halloween already. Appropriately, I saw The Witch last night. The movie as a mental and emotional time machine: the world the Puritans thought they lived in. I was hoping for that approach, and they did it more carefully than I expected. (Mercury was stationing on my Pluto - appropriate for a movie about the Devil.) After watching the interviews in the extras, I suppose it was made by real witches/diabolists with a scholarly bent, which explains the cheeseless take on the subject matter.

As for me, I've never vibed with the Salem/New England perspective on witchcraft. I'm not afraid of the woods and I don't find spirits creepy. Like anyone, I suppose I was aghast to find out where babies come from, but the horror didn't exactly constellate in the figure of the "evil witch of the wood." I find _people_ creepy, but more in a pain-in-the-ass kind of way than a horror movie way. My sanity once took a vacation and I thought I was surrounded by people who were possessed by beings from ancient Egypt and Greece, though . . . so I have that going for me. :/ Which still just made me more angry than anything. Typhon is one of my favorites, so how's it going to get worse?

"what up, dude?"

I couldn't sleep for the third night in a row (even though all the bills are paid but one - you'd think I could chill) so I got up and calcined some ashes from a project I did so long ago I can't remember what they're from. I'd already done the cohobation, but then I'd washed the precipitate and left the whole thing sitting in a jar for months. Last week, though, I needed the mason jar for pickles - hence the drying-and-recalcining project, so I could save the Salt. I ended up with 8 ounces of mostly calcium carbonate when I was done. This is something I found out I can use as an antacid. It's hard to part with a nice white Salt (even after the best part has been dissolved and poured off). I also admired the gorgeous glass distillation train we bought but never used. I'm like an alchemist, but not an alchemist: still intimidated by Sulfur, I extract it with Everclear, or use a pot still, and call it a day. So awkward. It's been like 10 years now. I have fermented rainwater, and I need to distill it in glass. Trying to scrape together the balls to do this thing.

I dealt with some financial stuff yesterday, and basically got $80 back in fees. Credit cards are a nightmare and I wish it hadn't come to this. I just haaaaad to take a math class that explains how badly I'm getting fucked in interest. It either beats or delays living under a bridge: I will find out which eventually, unless I drop dead while I'm still in debt, ah ha ha ha.

Speaking of which, looks like I got straight A's this Summer! I realize how snotty I must have seemed when I rolled my eyes about taking math and English. But that bit is over now, so that's one less piece of friction with the advisor. Hurray. I didn't want to spend two quarters going back over this stuff, but the classes I took were not review. How about that.

Yesterday was the last sunny day of the summer . . . but the heated pool was still closed. So we went to our brewery on the hill to sit in the sun with a beer . . . but the patio was reserved for a cult/MLM presentation, that was mostly full of like 100 women my age, all staring in rapt attention. Yeah sure you're going to get rich; keep believing it, shit for brains. Ahem. Thwarted there, we went somewhere else and sat sadly in the encroaching shadows of evening. Bah. I haven't gotten any exercise in three days, and keep getting distracted by how great it is to have to time to sit around doing nothing for a change. This is my least favorite time of the year: when the rains return. Wake me when the slopes have snow.
Monday, August 29th, 2016
2:42 pm
1:54 pm
Fine wine and fruit flies
Wouldn't you know it: after days of sweltering heat, including the day the clouds finally rolled in, it was too overcast to see the Mercury-Venus-Jupiter conjunction. What a drag. Yesterday, it even rained. The conjunction was on my natal Pluto. My reaction was: MOAR PICKLING! Now there are radishes and beets and green beans swimming in brine.

Rain didn't stop us from dining al fresco while listening to classical music on a teeny tiny radio. We shared a grilled porterhouse that was still too much for me to eat, topped with sauteed mushrooms and onions. Man, it's like we're back in the good old days. I used to swim though a pink cloud of bliss, floating from one delectation to another.

Well, not THESE last few months. It's been the worst summer in years in terms of actually enjoying anything, because the neighbors have infinite screeching children in the pool, all day, every day. I barely remembered what being happy while outdoors would feel like. When it's not kids, it's wasps. This place has really gone downhill. In fact, today it's finally sunny again, but the front pool is closed and the back pool isn't heated (though they claim it is). The weather is supposed to be cold for the rest of the week, and the management will probably close them both after Labor Day. I guess I've swum my last swim for the year. I don't really care. I just exercise, and get back out. It's not fun, it's work.

Whatever: this mediocrity still beats the constant anger. I've had a really hard time maintaining even the smallest amount of Zen. I'm starting to think I just plain hate everyone, because as soon as I see a human my impulse is to do a 180. Well, maybe it's the Mars-Saturn conjunction on my natal Mars making me so misanthropic and infuriated. It sure the fuck ain't Maybelline. I actually had heart palpitations last night.
Sunday, August 28th, 2016
1:50 pm
I just like saying "apophatic"
I'm finally getting around to calcining the apple skins and cores that were left over after we made apple cider. I was waiting until we had a cloudy day, because temps have been hitting close to the 90's, and today was the day! That's good because the pan was taking up space in the oven - not that we're using it during grilling weather. We had another windfall of tiny perfect little apples, and I really hope the cider lives up to them, because they were delicious. I'm looking at Venus in Libra for a cohobation election. Early Saturday morning maybe - crescent Moon conjunct Venus, and still technically the Day of Venus until sunrise. Give me some sugar, I am your neighbor.

I also have an ounce of damiana that I am seriously thinking about infusing into the grape wine we made with some free seedless table grapes the other month. It's a bit water-tasting; we added oak cubes to up the tannins, but I think herbs might really make it win. Damiana has a peppery aroma and a sweet taste.

We racked the blueberry wine we made for Saturn out of a bunch of old bags of blueberries that had been sitting in the freezer since Moses parted the Red Sea. Considering the contents, this stuff is amazing. I like it as well as our Cabernet, which also came out really well. I won't lie, I added wine tannin to the bloobs to make the pucker happen. Mmmm! Drinking it makes me feel great, and it's strong. As per Saturn, though, cleaning all the bottles for it was seriously a chore. I kept using One-Step but finding more gunk stuck to the insides, and finally went to town with bottle brushes, and then sterilized them again to get them perfect. This wine had BETTER be good, because it's the same wine that ended up all over the cabinets and ceiling and floor when the Blueberry Monster let some dregs ferment in a sealed bottle and then opened it. I have crawled through tunnels on my knees to achieve this perfection, I tell you hwhat. Fishing all the bloobs out with a sieve after the primary fermentation was no picnic either.

Everyone still remembers the Eclipse of Doom is September 1, right (Solar Eclipse square Mars and Saturn and opposite Neptune)? And Mercury goes retro on August 30? Okay, here is my advice. I just went through all my financial statements and realized I had an unauthorized charge from god know what shady outfit on a card I never use (luckily it was almost maxed so they only got $20), and some other card has been charging me sneaky little fees for a year and a half. So go through your shit and make sure you're not getting ripped off. Advice from me to you. Mercury stations conjunct Jupiter, so this one is all about money, accounting, and politics. Don't accept any new loans around this time! Gift horses OK, but don't look them in the mouth. I'm probably going to close out some cards when I get my next financial aid disbursement, as a matter of fact; some of these companies really suck. Also, I hope you don't have to get your car worked on, because it will cost a pretty penny. Try not to lose your phone, get your identity stolen, or invest in hot stock tips . . . health issues could kneecap anyone whose insurance has a high deductible (only talking to Americans here, obvs), so be careful not to need the storied $5000 ambulance ride. YOU get the picture. Debt bad. Scammers worse. Predation likely. As for health issues, I'm not even kidding. All these planets in Virgo, with a Neptune affliction? Allergies, yo. Contamination. Eat and drink pure. Don't take weird magical elixirs or eat fancy-looking mushrooms. Air quality may well suck - perhaps due to fires, with Mars all up in this mess. Maybe due to volcanoes. :)

I was going to go a whole other direction with this; let's see. Okay, the bloody sacrifice. Let's talk magical death.

Let's say we accept that there is a land of shadows on the other side of this world, overlapping it but invisible. The underworld isn't under anything: it's alongside everything. And let's say that this is the land of the dead, and home to spirit beings. And let's say that when someone is born or dies, they cross between these worlds. So sex and death both open a door, temporarily.

So it's totally logical to use sex and ritual death to crack the doorway to the mirror lands. (Or even fucking mirrors, come to think of it.)

Question: why would you want to? Wouldn't weird-ass monsters hungry for the food of the living get a foothold in our reality and start compulsively snacking? Yes? No? I mean look at Haiti. Something's eating something over there, and it ain't just goat balls.

Just thought I'd say that. "Stranger Things" is giving me weird thoughts. And the eclipse is coming, when the door to starry chaos is open anyway and the gods have closed their eyes. So, you know. Pros? Cons? Y'all need Jesus?

Speaking of which, he didn't act like a little bitch and kill a goat to open the door; he died, went through personally, and came back awesome. That always seemed more difficult, but less sketchy. Maybe there are three kinds of people in the world: those who sacrifice themselves, those who sacrifice others, and those who hide under tables hoping someone else will save them.
Friday, August 26th, 2016
12:48 pm
Watch the skies
It's finally over! I'm going to loaf so hard.

I was right to be scared of the math final. I thought I was getting pretty good at this, but linear inequalities kicked my ass. Picture a whole bunch of lines going every which way, with shaded ares above or below them, and calculating the coordinates of the corners of the region you're trying to maximize or minimize by seeing where the shaded areas overlap and form a polygon, AND then plugging those coordinates into yet another equation to determine the winner of the coordinate contest (there can be only one . . . a buttload of coordinates enter, but only One Point can be the victor! grrrrrraphing rrrrrrrumble) - and by the way this is a story problem, so you get to reason out the pertinent line equations yourself. Like six of them.

If I hadn't studied there's at least one question from the beginning of the quarter that I would have not been able to answer at all, but luckily I'd made a note for just that eventuality. And, I missed one that I still don't know what I did wrong. Wrong line equations? Wrong point on the polygon? Forever a mystery. I used every single minute of the two-and-a-half hours.

I figured I should chill since I only had to get a C on the final to keep an A in the class, but the reality was that it was so hard I could easily have flunked. BUT, I knew I was guaranteed to at least pass the course. I had to fight my every instinct to slack and blow things off, but I ended up keeping my A. YAY! I do not want to take another math class, though. It is very hard to remember that many formulas and when to use them, at least for me, after 8 weeks of massively different techniques getting jumbled around.

So it was midnight when I finally got to open a bottle of wine, eat some potatoes and sardines, and watch The Expanse some more. The nice thing about an online class is you can take the test late at night if you want, and no one can hear your swearing but the neighbors. (I have flipped off my screen so many times.) You can make an espresso beforehand, and open something muscle-relaxing the minute you're done. For something horrible, that doesn't suck.

I haven't gotten my geology grade back yet. I typed so much for that class during the last week that my shoulders ached from holding up my arms! I was getting a bit fed up, but philosophically I felt like a guy who gave up a career locating drill prospects for oil wells, or fracking sites, to teach community college kids about global warming deserves my respect and thus full attention. Plus he skis and has a sailboat. Don't get jealous, he's only my type as an instructor! I know you want to be the only maximized point in my polygon! Anyway, I thought the class was a good thing but I actually want to know more. We didn't get into soil horizons and such. :( At least I know all about natural disasters, my favorite thing ever. The whole class, we studied various kinds of doomsday scenarios and the rocks they leave behind. So cool. Wall-to-wall mass extinction events, giant waves and tectonic convulsing. A little Saturn, a little Neptune, and little Pluto . . . there were even nuclear reactors in the energy sections, such as it was.

Well, that happened. Huh. Oh, I'm also watching Stranger Things. I think I like it. Apparently someone went fishing in the astral plane in a government remote viewing project, and opened a portal between realities. I mean, in the story. Surely not in reality. ;) It's odd seeing things from the perspective of a bunch of ten-year-olds, and for that reason I wasn't expecting much. Somehow the actors pull it off, and the adult characters are the ones who seem more two-dimensional.

Remember that about being a kid? How the other kids were fully-realized people with hopes and dreams, and the adults were clumsy lumbering zombies, basically? I still had that little-kid "something" well into my 30's, but I'm just another ponderous, noise-hating killjoy now. Scary to think about. That moment when reality sets in and you wonder why you used to have all those yearnings for a more hyperreal fantasy world, which seemed completely attainable, and just around the corner . . . gravity gets stronger and stronger though. There are things I do appreciate about mundane reality way more deeply, which seems worth the trade. It's like giving up cartoons but keeping the oil paintings. What I don't miss is the intensity of the desire to be seen: that primate urge to be prominent in a group that marketing preys on. The monstrous and spectacular are attractive because they're dramatic (all eyes on the transgressor, right?), but there's something so unhealthy in it.

Well, now I have time for hobbies again. *tap tap tap*

Oh hey, go look at the Jupiter-Venus-Mercury triple conjunction this weekend! Venus and Jupiter are very bright, you can't miss them. :) And we all survived Mars conjunct Saturn and square Neptune! Things will probably get less frustrating. Hopefully.

Oh, speaking of which, on the day of the Mars-Saturn conjunction we heard a car crash and siren across the river and realized our power had gone out. Naturally we drove over there to gawk. Some dude had, in broad daylight and on dry pavement, knocked a fire hydrant into the street, broken a pole holding up power lines *in half* so that the lines were dangling in the street, ripped off his entire from tire and drive shaft, and flipped the car onto its roof. And walked away without a scratch. His wife yelled at Steve for taking pictures of the devastation, so Steve yelled that the power company is going to send them a bill for the broken pole (and it is; we asked the guy who was there to deal with the lines). There are these people who like to drag race here at night. He's probably one of them, no doubt doing 90 in a 40 trying to pass someone in a turn lane before he ate it. So there's some hostility about the noise at 3 AM. Like I said, crotchety is the new black. Can I just say I'm glad the power didn't go out in the middle of a math test? *whew*
Wednesday, August 24th, 2016
2:17 pm
There are many copies
Steve made pickles from scratch and they're delicious, unique, and truly amazing. I feel bad for being skeptical when he was buying the ingredients. Still not sure why allspice, but it came out great. Garlic cloves in the brine: hell yes. Hawaiian black salt: even heller yes. Fresh dill flowers: knocked it out of the park! There are also mustard seeds and coriander, maybe some spices I forgot. Oh, grape leaves instead of alum for the "crunch."

He legit fermented this in a giant crock while the weather was incredibly hot, and though a scary skin did form on top, the results are so good we're trying to figure out how to make enough to last until cucumbers are back in season. :o

We also made this huge batch of apple cider from even more free apples, plus honey. I added mulling spices and I might be regretting that. Hmm. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Now I want to make yogurt from scratch. If a pickle can be this good when it's made the right way (most people who make them at home soak their cucumbers in vinegar instead of fermenting them in brine, it seems) then what else am I missing out on? Do you ever feel like the _real_ occult is food preparation, and everything else is bullshit? I guess I like things I can experience physically. It's one things to skry angels in their heavenly realms, it's another thing to put one in a pickle. Speaking of hiding pickles, if the great work isn't about putting the thing in the thing and making LIFE, count me out. This is where lateral thinking works better for me; literal offspring are not going to happen. Pickles, though, are, and did.

Did everyone look at the Mars-Saturn conjunction last night? Pretty cool. Saturn was directly *above* Mars. (Don't make me explain celestial latitude and longitude, I'm procrastinating finals and don't need another excuse. Anyway conjunctions are very rarely one planet right on top of another; not even Luna occults things very often and she's fricken huge from our perspective.)

Astrologically, it seems to be about endings. All the plants on the porch died in the heat. :( The last day of geology class was cancelled. Our grocery store went out of business and had their 50%-off clearance sale today. There is a stressful sadness going around, but it's almost over, yo. Mars square Neptune tomorrow (release the Kraken), and then we pop out of the maelstrom. Dude, I'd just be happy if I didn't have a smoker's hack. I've never even been a smoker! Good thing, apparently. Maybe I've been huffing radon and don't know it. That's the other way to fuck over your lungs. But no, I live on the third floor.

Man, I'll type anything to delay going back into the Math Zone, won't I?

OH SHIT, I forgot to tell everyone to watch Mr. Robot, Orphan Black, and The Expanse! The last is as close to old-school hard sci-fi as I've seen in awhile. Also Deadpool was cute.

But, don't see The Lobster. It exists to make you feel like shit (though there were some funny moments). I suppose it's a good window into what people who don't really "do" relationships think is going on. We must seem very strange to them. I guess I don't want to spend even two hours vicariously experiencing the fascism thing though. It gave me the exact same feel that I got when I read 1984. What the hell is going on in Britain? That's the same island that gave us Pink Floyd.

And Animal Farm. And Never Let Me Go. And Dolly the Sheep. (Well, OK, that was Scotland.)

You guys need a wheatgrass juice colonic and some Hot Yoga.
Friday, August 19th, 2016
12:25 pm
One more week of school left! So many things are due.

Saturday: a geology paper about floods, as well as risk and preparedness for floods in King County. So far I've read part of this: http://your.kingcounty.gov/dnrp/library/2013/kcr826-2013.pdf Dry? Ironically it is! I guess that's what the government was going for. ;)

Also Saturday: Answering questions from classmate in the online forum. I will do that today though.

Sunday: Geology quiz.

Monday: Math homework (it's graded).

Tuesday: Geology paper about natural disaster preparedness in King County in general (mudslides, earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, and flooding again).

Wednesday: Geology lab

Thursday: Finals in math and geology.

Then, I get a month off! Woo hoo!

Everything seems like it can be ground out through sheer willpower except for the math final. OMFG. There are so many formulae, and rules, and types of story problem to remember how to decode, and tricky things in general. I'm fairly solid on matrices, but those fucking parabolas will be back. Nooo. Nooooooo!!! But, I'm lucky Steve already took all this, and remembers it well enough to give me clues when I'm really stuck. This would be pretty miserable without someone around to listen to my swearing.

And I found my old TI-83 from 1996 in storage, and the batteries are still good! Nice to know I'll have a fallback after I return the loaner I've been using. Still not sure whether I'll have to take physics this year. Actually, I want to. The more you know about how things work, the less boring things seem in general. If my bio and chem credits transfer, though, I'll probably have to pay for it myself if I really want that knowledge dropped, since my grant is very specific about what it will fund: one shall be the number of the random science classes funded; one and not two, one and not zero. At least geology was on a separate list of required credits, but taking it meant I now can't take a class on wetland ecology for free. Damn! I need to know these things, though! I also feel sad because a legit meteorology class would help me out a lot, and I don't even see it offered. The things I do not know could fill a [clever physics reference I can't use because I've never taken physics].

Also, I've changed my mind about whether it's a good idea to go back to community college when you're in your mid-40's. It is good. I swear to fuck, I've gotten smarter. I make fewer and fewer stupid arithmetic errors is my evidence. If I keep going, I could possibly get back to where I'd been when I was 21 - but armed with real-life experience so I won't fall for the bullshit as much. I used to be really smart, but I'm from the ghettooooo so college didn't work out when I tried to go before: I was disciplined in the short term, but a quitter in general because everything citizen-like intimidated the shit out of me, and really I just wanted to travel and have adventures. So, I did. And it was just as great as I thought it would be. But I ended up with nothing to show for myself.

Oh, why being from the ghettooooo is relevant: us lower classes live for the now, for tomorrow we may be dead, in jail, or working at Walmart (worst of the three, from some perspectives). It is very hard to think ten years down the road when all your life, everything has been snatched away from you no matter how hard you tried to make things work. You realize money saved is money stolen, and blow it all on beer so at least you can enjoy it. I am not exaggerating to make excuses. Other people from this social class would kill you for a hat pin; you're always getting fucked over by family, friends, and especially with whomsoever you're in love. Love among descendants of alcoholics, hookers, strippers, pimps, dealers, convicts and drug addicts is BULLSHIT. Everyone's just in a power struggle to see who can exploit whom the most. I basically can't lie, so guess who got to be the victim until I wised up? Not that I was ever that great either. Short-term thinking often involves living for the next fix, in my case the next time I got laid.

But, that's all over now. Right? Right??
Tuesday, August 16th, 2016
11:41 am
You know where this is going
I understand the draw of religion, but I had to sorrowfully conclude that it's for breeders, feelers, and in the elite inner circle, hardcore ascetics. If you're not raising a family and you're too old to have one (me), and you're not the type who feels validated and accepted by being of service to the group, gtfo.

There are weird magic cults where women are explicitly there to get the "priests" laid, but meh. Religion is always about controlling women's sexuality and peer-pressuring them into reproductive configurations of some kind, no matter what type of higher vision tries to lend some dignity to the proceedings. For men, it's about networking and power. Ultimately, since it's about power, religion is also about violence and coercion (while lying about that part).

I'm so bummed. I have this tendency to romanticize the extra-mundane and spiritual, as do many. I joined a cult and did the whole thing to the hilt, so when I quit I was done with the reality of what that was, but I wasn't done with the fantasy. Sadly, I am now.

I think a few things happened. While I was hanging out with the supposedly feminist local religion (starts with a W), I realized that not only are women categorized by their reproductive status, but that there is MASSIVE peer pressure among the women to be a mom by a certain age. Like, you get kicked out of Maiden's Circle once you're a bit long in the tooth, and there's only one way into Mother's Circle. That plus compulsory "polyamory" really put me off my feed, which was a thing even in the non-breeder-centric magical groups. If you have a vagina, that's what you're there for. Find a use for it in terms of serving the group, or gtfo. (Pagan polyamory: talk about sex as Pokemon. Gotta nail 'em all! When a new person arrives on the scene, a line starts forming.)

I was experiencing that at the same time that I was meeting members of a religion whose prophet be like:

Have you ever noticed that he looks like John Lithgow?

Is John Lithgow a black magician?

What are the odds? Black magic is the second most popular sport behind luge.

Well, I've gotten a bit off-topic here, but my point is that it's hard to find God when every possible way to look for him is lined with traps for the unwary vagina. Some might even call them booby traps, but that would be a bad pun. Celibacy is recommended to the seeker for a reason, I feel (even though in reality it's just an old-fashioned front for being massively committed to not having *heterosexual* sex).

Reason 1: sex hormones increase your delusion levels, I guarantee it. Mine cycle monthly, and I'm surprised I don't hallucinate. Getting involved with a lot of sexual politics and intrigue is going to give your reality tunnel certain otherwise-optional home furnishings, and you may not realize they're an artifact. So, you know, simplicity is best when you're trying to separate your inner la-la land from a clear vision of the eternal.

Reason 2: sex causes drama, which causes rancor and schisms. If you're going for a stable bedrock-of-society type ethical dispersement vehicle, religionwise, you've got to get people to calm the fuck down.

Reason 3: you'll never really face yourself when you're chasing what's outside of you. The unconscious mind will provide you with hilarious handpuppets to project your hopes and fears onto all day long, if that's what you ask of it. It just gets cheesier and cheesier if you don't get some self-control.

On the other hand, you can turn things around on the subconscious and use sex to communicate with it directly. Projection done well can allow you to experience the divine in your partner. But, there are still strange roads ahead. It's the left-hand path because you are dealing with the inner world via relationship with the outer world, and it's easy to get . . . confused by passing shadows, and forget that you're the person casting them.

That's why I think dedicated occultists should all go fuck themselves.
Monday, August 15th, 2016
11:57 am
We finally went to Mt. St. Helens!
Here she is:

This is the site of the largest landslide in recorded history. The surrounding countryside was obliterated. Now it's a national monument, a scientific study on how life returns to an area that has been basically sterilized for miles around. Could be handy information for terraforming other planets, or recovering from WWIII.

It turns out that the secret is: pocket gophers. Those little furry badasses can survive underground eating roots; then they pop up and start tilling the soil as they dig their burrows, preparing the ground for seeds. They didn't survive the actual landslide zone, but they were one of the few species that made it through the other events.

The mountain sent a wall of mud for 50 miles, and a 12-mile-high column of ash rained down and turned day into night split with lightning from the static electricity generated by the tiny bits of hot glass striking each other as the cloud roiled; trees were knocked sideways for 19 miles by a lateral blast going 300 MPH at a temperature of 660F while releasing 24 megatons of thermal energy, and pumice bombs were dropped for miles around as magma exploded and launched pieces of the mountain into distant hillsides; pyroclastic flows covered six square miles at a depth of 120 feet in places, and scooped up everything in their path, racing down the mountain so fast that it outraced the initial landslide; the blast material was 1300 degrees F, and turned everything it hit into even more pyroclastic debris (tree were simply blown into splinters); it instantly and violently flashed all water into steam, creating steam-blast explosions in Spirit Lake and the Toutle River that could be heard in fucking California.

Pocket gophers just rode it out. They were probably giving each other backrubs and yawning, high-fiving the surviving frogs, salamanders and crawfish when it was over.

Secret #2: prairie lupine. These tiny nitrogen-fixing flowers invented not giving a fuck. Cratered ash-covered surface of the moon? No fucks given: they show up and start growing anyway. When elk came back and started dropping dung full of seeds on the landscape, that's when the recovery began in earnest. Now the region is even more ecologically diverse than it was before the blast. Ehm, not that you can tell from this photo.

Here's a shot that reveals the lava dome that's been growing inside the crater:

It's recovered 7% of the mass it lost when it erupted. Not bad for only 36 years.

The feeling of being in her presence wasn't bad, considering she's the Mouth of Hell for Washington State. We lucked out and the Moon was bright above her as the sun set, so we got some cool shots as the Moon got fuller and the light got pinker (we were there for three days). We stayed until the stars came out and she was just a slate shadow against black. I feel that she feels that she has made her point. She isn't owned by Burlington Northern Railroad anymore, and no one is allowed to so much as take a piece of her pumice from the park. :) There was a huge herd of smug elk loafing about in the valley below the Johnston Observatory, safe as houses.

Seriously though, she looks like she was nuked. It was appropriate that I was hiking along a ridge with no shade in 90 degree heat when I did the guided tour. D:

I know I told y'all not to travel during the Mars-Saturn conjunction, but this was so . . . appropriate. I see this conjunction as carrying the energy of The Tower, and St. Helens IS The House of God.

But yes, some things about the trip were a pain in the ass. It was nice to go camping, though. No TV, no belongings, just what can fit in the trunk of the car and us. It reminded me of how we were when we first met: gypsies roaming about in a van, owning pretty much nothing, hanging out watching the sky from the top of a hill at night. (Those were good times, but after 9/11 everyone had a stick up their ass and it was dangerous not to be a "citizen" at that point. We were in a standard apartment by 2002. The dream of the 90's went down with the towers.) It was a rough adjustment at first, but by the third day I didn't want to go home. I really do find rootless freedom to be "real life," and this suburban existence to be somewhat of a holding tank that's only justified by ski trips.

Oh well. Everyone wants something they either can't have or can't keep. That's why TV is so popular.
Friday, August 12th, 2016
10:28 am
The Moon was besieged but didn't seem to be complaining
I saw the first quarter Moon conjunct Mars and Saturn last night! But what was even better was that it made a quadrangle with the fixed star Antares, which Saturn is conjunct (which when you see it for yourself usually means they're exactly lined up vertically, but can still be some distance away from each other; occultations are rare). Antares is red, and is the brightest star in Scorpio: the Scorpion's heart. As it got darker, Scorpio's beta star Akrab came out, which is conjunct Mars! Akrab is in the head of the Scorpion. Mars is still pretty bright, and Antares came out right after Saturn - quite a sight in a still-dimming sky.

Two planets and the Moon spooping about in the constellation Scorpio doesn't mean they're not in tropical Sagittarius. Oh, they are. Probably one of the most annoying things about astrology is that the constellations are full of lore, but they barely overlap the signs anymore. :( When Regulus precessed out of Leo, I felt like some of the magic was gone. It was like Aslan leaving Narnia. Or, uh, whatever. (._.)

I got so much work done yesterday (two quizzes, an interlocution and a short paper) and still had time to go swimming and take a walk. Nice one, me! We had to kill like six wasps, though. Yes, Scorpio may have slipped later into the Autumn, but his sting ain't gone.

Saturn conjunct Anteres is a big fucking deal. It only happens every 29 years (with that off-and-on thing Saturn does over a degree once he gets there). Antares is one of the four Royal Stars, the Watcher of the West. The combo with Saturn means religious hypocrisy (or let's just say, a highly unusual system of morality and judgment unrelated to "mercy"), but if I was to personify it as a fictional character I'd go with the reclusive billionaire from Person of Interest. Note all the watching. I'm telling you, surveillance is one way this mix can go. Antares is warlike, but Saturn is patient and cold. Evil? Not necessarily. People who don't get it will never really understand what it's like to see things other people can't because you are excluded from the system and they're experiencing hope mingled with psychological reinforcement designed to train them to act in certain ways while they keep hoping. They can't, and wouldn't want to if they could. Yo dawg, I heard you like disillusionment, so I put corruption in your arbitrary suffering so you can cry while you cry. Given the perspective that creates, some things seem reasonable and appropriate that just wouldn't occur to someone immersed in the day-to-day. Of course, 99% of everything Saturn produces in the human personality sucks, despite the gifts he gives of an astonishing potential to overcome attachment, instinct, and hypnosis. However. After everything weak has died in you, what's left is kinda . . . huh. Some become Nelson; most become Winnie.

So I was innocently watching the sky when yet another hot neighbor appeared. These things are like Pokemon. A wild hot guy appears! He was a Water Type. Here's what the pool looks like this year:

Don't tell them I said that; they're probably all retired SEALs. I heard, and I doubt you can dispute it, that ex-SEALs love nothing more than a burqini pool party.
Sunday, August 7th, 2016
9:44 am
Hell to the no
According to this Salon article, Millenials aren't shagging. Apparently that bothers some people.

I remember when my age group was hitting our early 20's, and Boomers were saying that we were much more sexually conservative than they were and are (and still are - STD rates are skyrocketing in nursing homes . . . I am not making this up). We were apparently so into taking responsibility for our own orgasms that sex toys and realdolls were big hits. Hmmm. Well, if you have to get fake tits installed to get laid, and wear red platform heels, and get your hair permed and bleached, AND get a talon manicure, and don't forget the fucking panty hose, then yes I'd rather stick to making love to my own hand. Luckily X-ers are a bit more open-minded about modest bosom allotments and a disregard for plasticky hooker outfits. That's a load off.

Then I found out just how out-there Boomers really can be, and I'm sure we did seem uptight compared to, say, pulling trains at parties, or taking a different person home every night - how did they have time to be workaholics, AND raise two or three litters of children from different marriages, while also spending all day stuffing things in other things? Didn't they get chafed? When did they sleep? On top of that, they all had to go into rehab. Sounds exhausting. Personally, I'm more of a romantic. If you can't do ANYTHING without immediately becoming addicted to it, what the fuck. I think they just hated being alone, ever, for any reason, so party party party. But it's hard to know. Maybe they're so good in bed that Tantric orgasms the likes of which I'll never experience are worth all the cooties and creepers and extreme personal grooming requirements.

I was wondering, though, how explicit porn all over the internet *would* affect the people who grew up with it. Apparently, they're jaded to the point that the considerable (legal, healthwise and emotional) risks involved with meatsex make it seem unappealing. Well, porn made me never want a man to touch me again, so I do relate. Bleah. Some things are way better when you're not staring at it happened to someone who's been waxed, bleached and surgically modified. It's too much pressure, man.

Then I found out how violent people's fantasies are now, and I was like, oooookay, never mind. Does this thing sew shut? Get the fuck away from me. Everything is now the exact opposite of whatever it is I might find tempting. Good to know I'm not alone.

Oh, plus you have to have an "identity," and get through eight layers of explicit negotiations before you even get warmed up. I'm 45 and I still don't know what my sexual preference is, other than "almost nobody." Imagine that at 20, though. Man, you'd have to be some kind of hardened pro. I also could not even. All this for dudes who learned their moves from porn, which is basically a depiction of a series of things I hope never happen to me. D: aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
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