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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Layo's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 1st, 2016
1:10 pm
Meh
I have two weeks left in the quarter, which is of course the perfect time for my laptop's screen to finally stop flickering and just go completely black. There's some electrical connection that's shorted out, probably; whatever it is, I can't use it anymore. Now I'm stuck on a Macbook that doesn't have MS Office. I have to do what little homework I can on Google, and then access it at school and finish it on one of their machines.

That's how I ended up ignoring a lecture while creating a Powerpoint presentation in class last night. Then I went to the lab and tried to work on my final project for another class, which was a total bitch because I had to incorporate all the class's previous projects from Excel or EnergyStar or a crude architectural drawing site into one gigantic Word file. That went about as expected. I kept fucking with it until the sheriff kicked everyone out of the building so they could close it for the night.

The group project has gone down in a volley of "meh". People stopped answering emails, and then I stopped giving a shit about the whole thing. People really know how to kill a buzz. Do I care? No. Not really. I feel like high school trained everyone, including me, that the goal of life is to do the least amount you can possibly get away with; I try to break free from that conditioning, and everyone else's inertia fucking takes me down again.

But, I still went to the induction ceremony for Phi Theta Kappa, and they gave me a white rose and had me sign my name in a book. It was a very sweet little ceremony. They made us introduce ourselves and talk about future goals. Everyone else's goals were really shiny. I, on the other hand, am "living in the now." Then I went home and watched the rest of a movie on cult deprogramming. It's no coincidence that the goal of meditation is to silence mental chatter! You're supposed to stop living in the future or the past and stare around yourself in childlike wonder at the beauty of, say, a parking garage. Naturally, if you do that you're certainly not formulating long-term goals. So I'm probably just about enlightened, I would say.

It's finally gotten cold, though.

And I have a cold, but it hasn't gotten very bad.

Skiing is now a possibility, but I haven't gone up there yet.

Seeing my mom on Thanksgiving really fucked up my mojo, as seeing her always does. They switched her meds and she seemed pretty stoned. Steve made an epic turkey, which was juicy and full of excellent stuffing. He really tries to make holidays happen, while I'm pissed off the whole day because I have to go expose myself to boredom and judgment. So nothing's changed since I was 15, then.

Steve pointed out that we always agreed on one thing: it was hard to get excited, as a teen, about preparing for a career, when we both knew full well that after all that striving we'd hate the job we'd end up doing. He says he was definitely right about that one - and he's always had better-paying jobs as an option, because he does love math and logic, which most people fear more than public speaking. I still can't figure out how everyone else happily slides into this groove of normalcy, where you do what you have to do _and_ want to do it, like for them it's an unquestioned inevitability; but also, for them it's normal to do petty crimes or other little things that break the social contract like cheating and hustling, so . . . I mean how do you get that way? I never get paid; I always get caught. Apparently they get money and never get caught. Being a natural born fall guy has given me a strange attitude.

Steve dragged me to another music thing. And I got yelled at again. He had to leave early to go to work, and he asked me to iPhone the rest of the dance performance. The guitarist came over to me and demanded that I not put it on Youtube. Like I'd bother. Jesus fucking christ. Venus has had a stick up her ass for awhile now, if you ask me. It was a one-hour free show at the school, and they were mostly talking about how great ancient Arab civilization was anyway (in order to foster tolerance)(I did appreciate that something up there was scented with authentic Middle Eastern resins - wow, maybe myrrh - but they didn't mention it). Yes, I am sure Youtube will be crawling all over itself to get an illicit pirated gander at a wobbly iPhone 4 video. Nobody on the internet has anything better to do than stare at you.

I'm cranky. :/ Well, I'll tell you, the Moon's in Capricorn, and it always makes me feel like I'm at the bottom of a hill I have to climb while everyone else roars by in a snowmobile.

Mars is trine Jupiter, also. I never got the hang of Jupiter-Mars combos. Winning here, winning there. Coffee is for closers.
Sunday, November 27th, 2016
9:39 pm
Like snow upon the desert's dusty face, alighting a little hour or two then gone
First the King of Thailand dies at 88 (he was a good dude, too), and now Castro at 90? 2016's hit list is long and confusing.

Castro was born almost the same year as my father-in-law - a sobering thought. The latter dude divorced his second wife to marry someone his daughter's age, and now *she's* like 70. "Youth." His wife's daughter isn't his biological daughter, and the last I checked she still lived with them, and sort of crouched at his feet and acted territorial about his attention. She's my age. So picture this chick in her 40's literally crouching on the floor, staring worshipfully, and interrupting any other woman who addresses him, in a roomful of people who are sitting normally on chairs. Well, to be fair, he *is* a rocket scientist and probable ex-spy. So that's like two James Bond characters in one. What's not to worship. Ehm, still seems a bit uncouth. My point is that I don't see why everyone acts like blended families in close quarters aren't going to get some eventually. He's the Top D, and her status was precarious given how many actual children he has. Mm-hmm. Only one thing TO do.

Which isn't as bad as Steve's grandfather, who traded wives in maybe 7 times? He's gone, his kid are gone. Killed the first wife in a car wreck. I can't even remember the details; it was very "California millionaire" crossed with a Kennedy though. Trump knows what I'm talking about: the family as franchise. I have an aunt who went through such a long list of spouses that I bet she can't name them all, and got rich af (for an Oregonian). I wonder if being the only sister of six brothers made her want to marry a football team, but the law is such that you have to do it one at a time. But who am I to judge? Back in the day I'd have married a SEAL team if it didn't sound like too much work - you know there'd be towels, socks, sand, flippers and dive knives all over the floors and guys hanging by their knees doing inverted sit-ups in all the doorways. Yes . . . so annoying. But if you wanted them to take out the trash they'd be like



we can't hear you

Meanwhile, given all the perverted Twin Peaks ribaldry going on in the respectable suburbs, we're still supposed to be worried about non-monogamy and gayness, like *that's* somehow the corruption festering in our midst? Wake the fuck up. We have heard the banjos, and they are not just in Tennessee.

Civilization's busy little bees run on shame, and its cause is secrecy and treachery. Hate yourself? Work hard. Suffer. Get a better car. Get some power. Think about pain. Face your fear. Make someone else face it. Compensate for it by humiliating people. Nobody will stop you. Work harder. Be ascetic. Get respect. Get fucked up. Blame someone else. Blame a lot of someone elses. Vote. Spend all day every day somewhere you don't want to be with people you do not trust, and try to make them want you there. Buy things. Fantasize . . . that you are someone else, someone you bought, a mask and a suit. Make anyone believe it's really you. Thrilling. The credulous mirrors of their faces make you feel lonely and powerful. Hate their stupidity, their cupidity; admire artifice; admire their sewn-together bodies. Cultivate a gourmet appreciation for a poison. It's a secret. Fear and hope for exposure; work harder; be in control, not in control, in fear, fearless. Buy yourself an ocean. Set the world on fire. It's burning underneath anyway, a molten hell under a young scrolling seafloor. Cameras, machinery, art, starvation, war, the brain vs. the jar it floats in, words vs. the phenomena they signify, blurry memories, dreams as punishments and vacations, lies, beauty, sex, love, God, a vengeful God, a loving God, a creator God, a God who wants a sacrifice, an indifferent God, a God of nature with an antfarm, a God who looks through your eyes when you're not looking, a God shining through the sun and bringing life to the green earth, eating, eaten, death. Your motionless body is the ultimate exposure and humiliation, the ultimate sewn-together mask in its last suit, the last fire faltering in the pouring rain. The forest is spared. Ashes blow. No more words, no more trust, no more mistakes. It ends in apologies, encomia, forgiving everyone, the truth at last and fighting over money. People drive off with the furniture. Love everyone. A white dot on a black screen. Union in a body bag, freedom in a box. Only math remains while the standing wave collapses, and you don't have to hide in your works anymore, though through them you'll be immortalized if at all. The end is the beginning. At the beginning of development you weren't trying, you just were, a cat in a box, the 50/50 chance. We all want to roll the dice again; we sprout from what we left.

Oh, but we were talking about the Ghosts of 2016. And I thought the year Mother Theresa and Princess Di both kicked the bucket was something.

Ron Glass (Firefly fans will note this loss) at 71.
Florence Henderson (the Brady Bunch mom) at 82.
Robert Vaughn at 83.
Leonard Cohen at 82.
Janet Reno at 78.
Nancy Reagan at 94.
Muhammad Ali
Patty Duke
Garry Shandling
Gene Wilder
Elie Wiesel
Merle Haggard
Chyna
Lady Chablis
Alan Rickman
Arnold Palmer
Umberto Eco
Ralph Stanley (speaking of banjos)
Whoa, an Australian musician named Bored Nothing died of suicide at 26. I feel like there were warning signs . . .

This list is too long. Prince, Bowie. Fuck it; done.
Monday, November 21st, 2016
1:09 pm
It's simple. We avoid the Batman.
Steve got really sick the day after the potentially bad news, and is still in bed. I guess he's upset. That's sweet. I have three more weeks of school, and I'm putting off the biopsy until then; it's the earliest the doctor was free anyway. I'm going to tell everyone the scar is where a ninja caught me in the face with a katana.



It's not the worst thing that could happen.

So, does anyone "get" The Watchmen? I just saw it, and Doctor Manhattan is ridiculously overpowered. I mean, he's fabulous, yes, but it's an odd universe. What I like about him is that when I ran in New Age circles, we were told that - other than getting gigantically huge on a whim - this is what an enlightened Master can do. The bit where his consciousness reconfigures his body from scratch is supposed to be the test (not just failing to rot after death, as some fans of buddhahood would have it). At the time I thought this was super-cool. It's the "good" side of Pluto; what you get if you live. What cults don't tell you of course is that even if ubervolk exist, they're not necessarily the embodiment of compassion. You'd think they'd have to be, because reconstitution and regeneration are a power of the Sun, and so is the principle of self-sacrifice for the rebirth of the world. Buuuuuut, nope not really. Something similar has been done by sacrificing *other* people, a little more like the kind of immortals we saw in Jupiter Ascending. What a shitty deal, if you think about it. I try not to; but anyway, if someone understands authorial intention a little better than I did with The Watchmen, please do tell.



Man. I'm stubbornly good, I'm just not very good at being good. I tried being bad though, and personally I hated it. I don't think you can really be too certain of your goodness if you never crawled out of a pit of corruption. And then there's the "meting out justice" thing. Goodness isn't innocent passivity. It isn't even purity. It's basically just having your head out of your ass, and requires wisdom as opposed to conditioned responses. What I'm saying is that some really kind, sweet, loving *conditioned responses* don't make you good in the solar sense, and neither does lack of experience. You have to fall. Healing afterward, that's the secret. But don't look at me, I'm still fairly fucked up. Do I still hate anyone? No. Do I have the ability to shake off all the damage like a shed skin, and wriggle around in glossy, reborn splendor? Nopers. But if you can, you should. That would have been cool.

Okay, I promised you transits and here they are.

The news this week is complex, and it's really hard to call these multi-layered events correctly, but I'll go through the components and we'll see what it seems to add up to.

Wednesday is the Mercury-Saturn conjunction. Tomorrow morning Luna in Virgo is square that conjunction as it narrows its approach. Luna tends to kick off real-world events, so normally this would mean difficult, painstaking mental tasks, waiting longer than usual, being mentally tired, or getting a lot of unpleasant work done. Possibly bad news or negative communications. But. Jupiter is sextile Mercury tomorrow as well, and it's strengthened by reception, too. And Luna in Virgo is very friendly with Mercury. So now there's a chance of quite a large payoff for all that hard work. SO, my advice is to tangle with bureaucracy even though it may suck; it will be worth it if you hang in there. Mercury is trine Uranus, so at least technology is favored; this will make blockages abruptly break free, so get ready for boredom followed by events moving very fast.

Thursday is a big day for Jupiter. Jupiter is exactly square the Venus-Pluto conjunction at the same time that it's conjunct the Moon. This is another contradictory mix. Venus-Pluto is predatory pleasure, and gets a lot of airtime on CSI:SVU. Jupiter is wealth; square Pluto, it's great wealthy; square Venus, it's so luxurious it's over the top. So, who wants to marry a billionaire? Problem: also likely to be a serial killer. Well, you can't have everything. My advice is to be careful who you trust, but to be aware that certain opportunities are quite real (if you have the stomach for it).

Therefore, the Movie of the Week is "Burn After Reading." I'm gonna be Brad Pitt!

Friday, November 18th, 2016
6:57 pm
C is not for cookie
Let me tell you folks, it's great to have Obamacare.

I don't know how many people were reading this journal two years ago when I was like, holy shit I have a progressed cardinal grand cross bang on my 6th-house Venus and 4th-house Uranus - and it's being rolled over by a transiting grand cross involving, Pluto and Uranus! I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE. It's curtains for me. Sayonara! Goodbye cruel world!

But, all that happened was I had to work at Walmart, and I got an eye infection. Both sucked. And I got it again this year. And I've been missing eyelashes in that spot for a few years. And there was scabbing, and the skin is bumpy in a spot along my lower lash line. But, only on one side.

Well, now they think it's cancer. Did you know that you can get skin cancer in your eyelid? I kinda did, but I was ignoring that fact because it's rare. On the plus side, if it's basal cell carcinoma it rarely metastasizes, so I probably won't die. (I didn't look that up to verify it, however that's what I wanted to hear so la la la la.)

The grand cross involved progressed Sun square progressed Mars, all in hard aspect to progressed Moon and progressed Uranus. Sol and Luna rule the eyes. Mars rules surgery. Uranus is weird things, technology, and several other futuristic themes. So, you know, when the only event close to relevant to those things that actually happened was ripping open my elbow, I was perplexed.

Now they're going to cut a pizza slice out of my eyelid and then sew the edges back together and get the pizza biopsied. If I have pepperoni, I mean cancer, they'll cut out more skin. If they have to CUT OFF MY ENTIRE LOWER EYELID, they will reconstruct it with a skin graft from my neck. D% O.O ^.O

I found this out during yesterday's grand cross, which overlaps my previous progressed grand cross. Fittin'.

But, as cancer goes, this is actually pretty chill. Someone else in there had a giant brain tumor, so, you know - anything beats freaking brain surgery. It had gotten into the bone of their skull. In my case, I doubt I'll have to do radiation or chemo. And I'm very unlikely to lose the whole eye. So great! Plus I might not even have it. It's so weird because it feels fine; nothing is black, bleeding or lumpy at all (now that the stye is gone). Usually you picture some kind of mass. At least I do.

Naturally, of course, I'm not allowed to exercise while my flaps reunite, and for sure I will have at least one surgery (the biopsy). Possibly a whole freaking series (Mohs). If the second thing happens, the hope is going from this surgical result:



to this reconstruction result:



I want to do this without sedation, so that's going to be interesting. So much for ski season, too. But, enh. I actually thought my heart would be the body part that took me out, so as far as sports goes this is temporary, and therefore much to be preferred.

Have you ever just sort of felt . . . embarrassed that your body is being weird? Like if you'd done something different, this wouldn't be happening to you. But so many things can go wrong, and who wants to sit around eating brown rice and vegetables and doing yoga all day every day?
Sunday, November 13th, 2016
1:52 pm
Gloopy times ahead
I'm glad I got to see Cohen while I had a chance. He looked like such a frail guy, but he did a disciplined three-hour set and wrapped us up in a mesmerizing mood. It was a beautiful night, other than the parking ticket (we thought for sure we'd be gone by midnight!)

I'm not sure if we'll get to see the sooper-dooper moonrise. After a week of warm sunny days, it's raining! Still no real snow in the mountains though.

I have a month left of the school term. So far it's not going too bad; I'd hoped maybe I would have a professionally-developed website done by the end of Project Management, but I just did a nice-looking mock-up on blogspot for now. (It doesn't really matter. We're learning the bureaucratic end of this more than actually finishing any given project IRL. But it would have been cool.) Steve is learning CSS, and he thought he had a lead on a server I could use at school, but it's not available so far. My skill level is really basic, but I figured if I had Dreamweaver I could fiddle around with it until I got something not-horrible. What I'd really like to know how to do is attach a database to a website form, but I don't think even Steve can help me out with that. He knows databases very well, but not how to connect the backend to internet forms.

Next quarter's required classes look dry as fuck (business law; state & local government), but they offer a class on weather science taught by my geology prof - that's going to be my "fun" class. I love anything sciency, and this is my jam exactly. Also relevant to the global warming end of this degree. I'm just going to have to find some way to pay for it myself - the grant doesn't cover anything but classes on a very short list, and I'm almost through the list!

Do you guys really think I'll ever be employable at a job I'm willing to stay at? I kind of got over being depressed, and the volume is turned down on delusional thinking and social anxiety, but I'm getting a pretty late start. I still have a hard time putting up with rudeness that breaks obvious social rules just because I'm getting a paycheck. I don't "kick the dog" and I hate people who do.

Well, here are some transits:

Monday: the sooper dooper moon is exact at 5:52 AM PST, and 8:52 AM EST. It's in the sign of Luna's exaltation, but also near Algol the demon star (associated with riots and beheadings). We shall see how it shakes out. Then, Luna enters Gemini, where she opposes Mercury in Sag late Monday night. Mercury is pretty weak in Sag, because Mercury is analytical and Sagittarius is intuitive, which produces two things: skill at foreign languages, and a biased unconscious slant which is usually religious or political in nature. You know those people you can't reason with, who assume a bunch of crap about you based on your "type"? That. Also, information tends to get exaggerated as Mercury catches fire with Sagittarius' swiftly-moving flames, so, hype. Hyperbole is fun - but it's not so fun when you really believe it, and it's not just a rhetorical device. We will get back to Mercury shortly, because there is going to be a lot of action. Suffice to say, there will be bullshit.

Speaking of which, I've been reading some lefty subreddits, and what? I'm supposed to side with upper-class white women and Muslim dudes over working-class white guys just because white dudes have the most privilege, and therefore have supposedly suffered less in "the struggle"? Nah. It's racist and sexist to assume what someone's struggle is based on what group they belong to. Some women were outright saying that no matter what problems a white guy has, a woman or poc's problem are automatically worse. Really? My life is pretty easy compared to a that of a white guy serving in the military, but okay. Furthermore, having suffered a lot of deprivation and bigotry in no way leads directly to automatically being a more moral, empathetic person. Almost everyone turns into a huge asshole if you give them enough power, and every category has its power-mad bullies. A more privileged childhood can wedge a person's head up their ass, but so can an unprivileged childhood. I'm sick of all the fucking pigeonholes. What the fuck. You can't tell by looking at someone what kind of inner work they've done. That said, there are a lot of gross white guys on Reddit who are a greater disappointment because they're not stupid. I don't want to deal with a dude who fucks without a jimmy hat and thinks he has the right to an "economic abortion." One of them joked that he's torn because he's pro-abortion, but really hates the idea of giving women a choice. A joke, but so true to the Reddit spirit.

Long story short, we can expect more of that shit this coming week. I'm glad I'm married and past all the things young women deal with. I have a Bride of Frankenstein stripe of white in my hair, but at least I'll never fuck a Redditor. Consolation.

If you want to feel good about manly men manning about, I recommend seeing The Finest Hours. Holy shit! I wish I hadn't missed seeing that in IMAX.

Tuesday: A cool day because there is an Air Grand Trine and a Mutable T-square on the same day! Woo! The Air Grand Trine involves Luna in Gemini, Jupiter in Libra, and Mars in Aquarius. The orbs are quite loose since Mars is ten degrees from perfecting his trine with Jupiter, but Luna should translate light in an interesting way. This has to do with honor and heroism on an intellectual level, most likely through journalism. At the same time though, the T-square also involves Moon in Gemini, with Mercury in Sag, Neptune in Pisces, and Saturn in Sag. This is the opposite: sneaky, sleazy, and oppressive, even poisonous. Quite the battle values-wise: radical truth vs. patient disinformation. At the same time as *that*, Jupiter happens to be in a long, slow t-square with Pluto and Uranus, which lends a revolutionary fervor to the desire for speaking truth to power, which is also shown by Mercury sextile Mars. So many incendiary things will be said. Plus be careful on the road. This takes us to Thursday.

Thursday: Cardinal Grand Cross. Luna in Cancer is opposite Venus and Pluto, square Jupiter, and square Uranus. The mob, or public, is inflamed over politics and legal issues. Chance of riot: decent. The people vs. the ultra-wealthy, who will win? Mmmm. This is a good day to lay low unless you have a specific objective, because you could walk onto a landmine socially.

Friday: Mercury is square Neptune while Venus is sextile Neptune, and Neptune is stationing direct. This is like dangerous water spirit that seduces you with its song while pulling you into a swamp. I would say that you should set your critical thinking faculties to maximum while being skeptical of the way things make you feel. If you're trying to get something practical done, know that lies and confusion are a real possibility, so plan ahead for flakiness and weird statements.

Stay tuned - there's a lot more fun with Mercury and Venus next week!
Thursday, November 10th, 2016
3:20 pm
Doubt
I just visited Bastyr University (an herbalism school), and found out that the have a majestic chapel. Not only are the acoustics amazing, but the altar is so consecrated I felt my ears pop. I'd actually forgotten what that felt like.

So I don't believe in magic, and religious tenets just seem like a way to keep society stable and the breeders in line, but I have to admit, as far as I can tell, God is real.

What that means, I have no idea. It does feel like goodness, love and mercy though.
11:03 am
Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
12:22 pm
Well played.
I wonder how much the Netflix remake of "House of Cards" hurt Hillary. It was a fiendishly clever bit of propaganda, and I'm sure everyone watched it. For those who didn't catch it, it's about a couple called the Underwoods who are a parody of the Clintons; it's a remake of a British show about a Prime Minister's rise and fall, and followed it pretty closely in the first season but then started wandering other places. In this version, the Democratic President isn't just a killer and a serial cheater - he's also portrayed as a bisexual and a cuck, which puts him in the category of the most scorned scum of your basic conservative working-class dude (they're very anxious about ambiguous masculinity). And then his wife was cast in an even worse light, coming off as not only treacherous and ruthlessly power-hungry but psychologically unhinged; it then comes out that she's a rape victim and secret child aborter, which makes her the female version of the most scorned scum according to conservative working-class people (slutty rape victims who go around aborting the fruits of their slutty, getting-what-they-deserved ways are right up there with Medea). She was so poised, calculating and Hillary-esque in other ways that it was a nice piece of character assassination.

Here's Medea the witch, who betrayed her family so she could hook up with some dude in the first place, riding off after killing her ex-husband's new bride, his father-in-law, and the children they had together in order to get revenge on him for leaving her:



The image of "the evil feminine" is always at the back of people's minds, and if you can associate a real person with it on some subconscious level, well, they're fucked. (It's actually constellated out of guilt, and you know how people hate those who make them feel bad about themselves.)

So now



equals



It's genius! I wish I'd been born with a peen so I could be this clever, but alas. gathers poison hemlock sadly, anoints magic sword

Anyway, I'm not even mad. The Democrats kept running candidates who were basically forced on us, like, you have to vote for our pick or you're helping elect a ridiculous assclown. We're all tired of it. Also, I'd rather our first female president wasn't riding on her husband's coattails. Her career has had this unsavory smell of a deal, like she was promised a shot at the presidency if she didn't divorce Bill back when it mattered. Maybe that's not fair, I don't know, but it would be nice to not get stuck with an ex-president's family members and their creepy dynastic insiderism. I suppose now we're going to have three generations of Trumps in the White House though. It's branding, not nepotism, everyone relax.
12:17 am
It's official
Orange is the new black!



I mean, I didn't like Clinton either, but I voted for her. Can the DNC finally stop acting like she's going to be president now, though? If she's back again four years from now, I'm going to be irritated.

If you're wondering why this happened, I think Michael Moore is a very smart person, and called this way ahead of time.
Thursday, November 3rd, 2016
12:15 pm
After days of warm (and thus useless-to-me) rain, it's sunny and clear. What a glorious day. Yellow leaves are still clinging to the trees, and the rain in the evergreens is sparkling like crystals.

I went to a transfer fair and found out just how much contempt a technical degree is held in, woo. But, there is one very hippie-like university in Washington that will take my transfer credits if I get in, as long as I complete the two-year degree, and I am also successful there for the first two quarters after I transfer. I'm psyched - they'll let me design my own program: I can take any classes I desire to get my four-year degree, and they do offer environmental programs. I could be down with that so hard, and it would be nice to enter as a junior. UW will not accept my credits from this college unless they're non-program-specific classes, and probably wouldn't admit me anyway since I've been merely learning a trade and am therefore a filthy prole. Damn, that's cold. They'd probably accept my classes from other schools I bet, since I took bio, chem, anatomy and astronomy: STEM is all that gets respect.

I had to do a group presentation last night. It went okay, but someone else did a solo act that was so much better. We only had an hour to prepare a slideshow, and his was polished and coherent as fuck. We were supposed to be teaching each other the mysteries of refrigeration and HVAC.

I saw Kung Fu Panda 3 and loved it, speaking of lack of credibility among certain types. It's about chi and the spirit world. I did NOT like Wayward Pines, which is a bad Prisoner knock-off. I did really like The Get Down though, just because it's a glimpse into another world and another time. A lot of the best stuff is set in New York City lately.
Tuesday, November 1st, 2016
11:57 am
Beautiful grief
The Moon-Saturn-Venus conjunction coming up tomorrow makes me think of my favorite Saturn-Venus video ever:



The very nature of love is to grieve when it's over.

Also, I think alligators are such an awesome symbol for Saturn in Scorpio (Lana's natal placement). I really liked how one of them swallowed a clock in Peter Pan. :) Time is coming for you, but some ancient things have never died out; they are motionless and waiting, the scythe swinging in the darkness, the possibility that the last moment is a burst of infinity.
11:01 am
Halloween bunny
We celebrated Halloween in a very low-key way, just putting out liqueurs and cake for our dead and lighting a candle. We both had school, so that made it hard to focus on spoopiness.

I did finally finish the calcination of this year's wine grapes last night. It felt like pulling teeth just getting them racked into carboys, so a long slow burn outside on rainy nights was even less easy to manage. One of the pans burst into flames, and the other just sat there getting blacker and blacker before I cooled them down and ground the ashes up. Oddly, when we did the second burn, the more stubborn batch burned to whiter Salt. I rarely get grapes to burn all the way white; one batch was light grey, the other medium grey this year. It took six hours to get two pans full of grapes reduced to two quarter-cups of ash. I started soaking the ashes in water last night so they'll be nicely settled by the time we cohobate.

As for the wine, I haven't tasted the Cabernet, but the Sangiovese is already very good. It's quite acidic though. Adding the alkaline Salt back in may help a bit. Last year's wine, unfortunately, is a fail. We already drank two carboys from last year and managed to enjoy them, but the final carboy is the one we not only over-sulfited but ended up pasteurizing trying to kill the wild yeast. Man, don't do that. It's fucking gross all around. I mean, I've had wine this bad that was professionally made and sold to people, true. But I have to say, this wine isn't good enough to justify the cost of the grapes. I'm a tad pissed at Steve for insisting on torturing this stuff as badly as he did, but hey. At least our blueberry wine was very very good, and that was made out of stuff that had been in the freezer for three years - you just never know what you're going to get.

I want to make beer for skiing next. The ingredients are expensive though. Meh. I'm tired of IPA and want something more interesting. Chocolate stout? Something with coffee? Or I could rack the apply cider into ski bottles, and take that up. Which, by the way, was another disappointment. It doesn't taste like apples at all! It tastes like our dandelion wine - we used the same spices and fortified it with honey - that is to say, it is mildly pleasant, with the emphasis on the "mild", but really strong. It took forever to juice all those apples, and I am so bummed it didn't live up to the standard set by the previous batch (which was astonishing). Fuck. I guess that's what you get for using random free windfall apples though. I feel like I've lost my mojo, please send help.

So far there isn't much snow in the mountains: this Autumn has been incredibly rainy, but warm. If this precipitation had been falling as snow the resorts would be open by now I suspect. I think we'll have a good season though, once Winter starts. At any rate, we probably have at least a month before we need it, during which I'm just sitting here trying not to get completely out of shape (and failing). I took a walk yesterday and it was pretty great though. I saw a black bunny on the path that looks like it might be someone's former pet, and it didn't seem sad to be abandoned out there, either. Spoopy Halloween bunny, laying black eggs.

I've been feeling lazy and depressed for the last few weeks, but I think I'm finally shaking it off. I was having a hard time focusing my mind on tasks there for awhile, and kind of fucked up an Excel assignment because of plain stupidity. But, whatever. I fixed it. Moving on. Oh, and it doesn't help that I have a group project situation and one of the team members is a massive flake - there's a fifth person I didn't mention because she didn't show up, and she finally replied to my emails after the first assignment had already been handed in. Yeah great.

But hey, there's the mother of all supermoons coming up in a few weeks. It's a full moon in Taurus, with Luna closer to the Earth than she's been during a full moon since like what, 1948? The blogs are usually abuzz; I'm sure you'll see it hyped somewhere. People really crap themselves over the lunations these days; they never used to care. Anyway, this particular full moon is in the sign of its exaltation, and just happens to be exactly opposite my natal moon. So I think it'll be a great time to do the cohobation ceremony, such as it is these days.
Saturday, October 29th, 2016
2:18 pm
There's an underlying harmony to the rhythm of time and energy exchange
I met with my project management team for the first time yesterday. Luckily, I think we're a good group. The funny thing is that there's one each of the MBTI types I've scored as, so I got to compare them.

The INTJ - I am not this one. She's video-game-loving software expert and power nerd (in an assertive, competent way). I like it, but I'm not it. She's more non-conforming than I am, I notice. I did note the classic Sherlock-as-played-by-Cumberbatch undernote of arrogance that INTJs are accused of, but I don't find it obnoxious, so that's good. The funny thing was that she pushed her boob almost out of her shirt when she saw Steve checking her out. Okay, many men like boobs so if you like men that's a good way to get one, but the other lady is very conservative and uh hmm. She's aggressive about doing things right, which I really like a lot.

The INFP - he was slightly late, super honest and good-vibes-having, and admitted that he likes to put everything off to the last moment (and has missed assignments in this class). He says he hates dealing with people, but I thought dealing with him was pretty chill. I don't think I'm this one; I'm too uptight about succeeding at whatever (if I touch it at all). He didn't care what his role was, didn't have any preferences about how things went down as long as he didn't have to deal with the public, and was smart and focused despite the floppiness of will. Interesting combo. All soul, almost no egoistic aggression.

The INFJ - on top of it, nods in agreement a lot (the INTJ only agrees if that's her considered opinion, not to be nice), really engages emotionally with things, and is very responsible. She's the kind of person I think "tops from the bottom." She agrees with everything other people want, but then lays down the law and makes sure what's important to her happens. I relate, although she's a Muslim and I'm totally not, so the fact that I relate anyway probably means that this is my type. When I'm in a group in person I feel compelled to make sure nobody's pissed off. I have no idea why. But I REALLY want things to be done my way, and am willing to do more work than others to get that to happen. I feel like we're simpatico in that regard.

INFJs are supposed to like counseling other people about their probs, though, and I don't find it rewarding. I think it's because I can't relate to their values. But when I ponder my own morality, I realize that the only thing I truly have a moral compass read on is my hatred of waste. I don't like it when people waste resources, other people's time, or other people's lives. There's a type of person who considers doing all those things to be an expression of personal power, and I fucking hate them. A lot of corporate cultures encourage inefficiency, and it's horrible to be part of it: spend time and energy doing something the wrong way, take it all apart, do it over again a different wrong way, and so on. The military is notorious for it, but the wasting of human lives on a poorly-planned mission (or taking out the wrong target) fills me with fury. It's not the death and violence, it's the _needless_ death and destruction. (Not that I'm ever going to be a fan of military invasions that oppress/maim/kill non-combatants and blow the shit out of their infrastructure, even if they're not "my" people; fuck that shit too.) A lot of these convos are framed differently than I think about them. Am I an anti-military pacifist because I'm a bleeding heart? That isn't really how it goes in my head; I hate destroying people and things for no good reason is all, but you fucking know you need a military for defense. Other people suck, and they will fuck you up if you're not armed.

My point is that if I'm an INFJ I don't think the real skillset is listening to sob stories, it's about seeing the rhythm of time and the harmony of intersections, mutual nourishment, and the quest for perfection as things dilate and contract and as forms develop and decay, influencing each other to their mutual benefit as the cycles play out. The whole underlying pattern has a beauty, and if you're not adding to it and don't wish to be, then I'm not into furthering your happiness or success. The harmony of cyclical time, and the fact that it is the framework underlying the timing of mutually-beneficial exchange, is the most all-encompassing but least-overtly-discussed factor in the way things play out - which influences everything but is roundly ignored until people feel personal pain as a result of distortion, disproportion and discord. It's something you're forced to acknowledge if you try to cultivate anything, natural or not. Waste makes any project suck, and in a balanced system it will be replaced by something that sucks less. What's wasteful? Working at cross-purposes to the larger system.

So, you know, when it comes to politics, what pisses me off are obstacles that prevent improvements in efficiency. And that's totally why I couldn't be a communist: it's just as bloated and wasteful as corporate-style capitalism.

You're feeling me right? That things should be designed well, and done right the first time, even if it means initial costs are higher? Anyone? With the interactions between systems taken into account from the beginning?

So that said, I don't get what is the big attraction of authoritarianism. I mean, it has a following. There are people who love the idea of rigid hierarchies violently enforced, I guess because they think the deserving won't have losers wandering around in their way. But the underlying harmony of the world comes out of chaos to more than just small extent, where things sort themselves out as they interact and the best solution emerges from weird ideas and competition/collaboration. Too great control imposed by a centralized entity prevents things from finding their ideal equilibrium, because they are prevented from adjusting themselves appropriately as the time demands. We all know it I think, but the lure of total control is just too sexy? But the "side" I'm on is not a side.
Monday, October 24th, 2016
2:00 pm
birds in the sky, they know how I feel
We were talking about MBTI in my project management class, which led to me googling a bit and finding this:

What the types mean by "love"

There are four categories in this scheme: harmony, authenticity, effectiveness, and accuracy. I didn't really resonate with any of these, so much as *not* resonate with the "Effectiveness" category.

Here are the "Do you love me?" questions from that category, and my likely answers.

Will you handle things – can I rely on you?

If I think of it and get around to it. I mean, I'm not going to read your mind or anything.

Will you make my life easier, can I relax knowing you’re “on it?”

No.

Will you support my career and/or goals and be self-sufficient?

I certainly will; on the other hand, not at all, unless you mean emotionally.

Are you loyal?

I'll stick with our explicit agreements flawlessly unless we break up, but don't expect that throbbingly exclusive monogamous thing to be going on in my head all the time.

----------------------------------

Shit. My whole family is made up of the above type. But not Steve! He's an "Accuracy" type. This was so . . . ah, accurate, that I was stunned:

Do you think I’m totally competent?

Oh, hun. Not really.

Are you impressed with my performance?

Yes, and I guess it's a good thing I say so all the time.

Do you trust that I’m not lying to you or B.S.’ing you in any way?

This is tough. He's blunt, but he'll also say what's expedient if my reaction could be an obstacle. I sure don't believe him about doing anything he says he's going to do. I think he's honest about who he is and how he feels.

Does it make sense that you love me? That you stay with me?

See, I think this is why we're still together. He thinks it's logical that I'd pick him. I think it is too, most of the time. Could be because I hate everyone else, and am not into the idea of living by myself.

This is the part I really think was interesting: how the "accuracy" types express their love.

I will be rigorously honest with you. If I have a ‘wandering eye’ I will tell you, and provide a solution.

I will gift you with my precision. I will learn you and give high performance at all levels.

I will protect you from others, but not from yourself.

I will never judge you. Instead, I will be there for you when things go bad, no matter why they went bad.


"I will learn you," lol. I wonder what they meant to write there. Anyway, that last part is very true, and I think my favorite thing. The first thing is nice, but I don't always want to hear it. The third thing is interesting. I don't think he's protective at all; but he's very very self-protective, so if I just do what he does it's generally the smart move - which is only a problem when I lack his skillset. And I mean, he doesn't *always* throw me under the bus . . . but it's not completely off the table either. He expects me to look out for myself, and protect myself, including from him. I think most people would find him incredibly callous and cold-blooded; but he's not cruel at all, so for a guy that's better than I usually do. The "protective" guys often try to cut your nuts off so they can abuse you once you've been rendered nutless. I like being expected to have balls. I'm still not the macho, independent type, but he's been gradually pushing me out of the womb over the years, so it's more like I almost have as many balls as a normal person.

What I think about the full list is: no wonder it's so hard to love people and feel loved back. It's like I can feel the emotion, but not the connection in the two-way sense of the word unless I really luck out. Even then, it's hard to keep. Most people repulse me to an extent, and of those who don't, many gradually sicken me as I get to know them better and find out what they're capable of; and of those who don't gross me out at all, most are eventually glad when I'm not around anymore, and I notice they don't try to stay in touch. So, you know, good luck having healthy emotional relationships in your life with a bad attitude and no charisma. I'm not the kind of black-hearted person who isn't bothered by all this. I was deeply depressed for about ten years when it sunk in that I was globally blacklisted (people really hate the non-monogamous). But then I got used to it, and realized that not having other people in your face is far from the worst thing that can happen.

But if I *were* to have loving relationships in my life, I think that what I'd be looking for are interesting conversations with non-judgmental people who have a sense of humor, and are not motivated by envy, frenemy-like sabotage crap, and the search for petty things to resent and punish you for. Can I trust you to make my life suck less? If so great. I'm very non-confrontational in most situations, so someone has got to be able to not be an asshole on their own. I'm completely willing to be happy for someone else's success and a source of encouragement, but I kinda do need reciprocity, not backbiting. Even finding people who aren't oppressively controlling once you know them well is tough. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim: keep your cage-and-cattleprod routine for someone who lacks extremely strong preferences. Although it's possible that I'm oversensitive about people trying to tell me how to live my life. One whiff of that bullshit and I'm gone.

You know what I mean? Most people think if they want you for something, they own you, and you owe them, in my experience. Not worth it.

To go with my poor attitude, here's a photo:



Vulcan is happy! The lightning, as I understand it, is caused by static electricity built up as the tiny pieces of hot volcanic glass in the ash cloud hit each other. :) Pyroclastic flows are incredibly dangerous, but pyroclastic clouds will also come billowing towards you at high speeds from an eruption, crackling with electricity: apparently it's terrifying as all the metal in the vicinity reacts, and then you're finally engulfed in darkness. Yet you can survive this, whereas a pyroclastic flow is a glowing cloud of death.
Tuesday, October 18th, 2016
11:49 am
Forecast, with sexy results
The clay pot for my rice cooker broke! :( It shattered while the cooker was on, and it was full of quinoa at the time. We have a spare pot with a chip in it somewhere, but until we find it lunch is going to be a pain in the ass to cook. I'm using a big cast iron pot to make stews for the time being, but it's not a quick process compared to throwing lentils/rice/quinoa/veggies/whatever and broth into a pot and hitting a button.

Also we've been too lazy, thus far, to embark on wine racking projects that need to get done. I haven't gotten any exercise in a month and man I feel it. Low motivation when it comes to chores, for sure.

Here's the coming astrology stuff:

Today: Luna is trine Jupiter! Very nice for networking and business meetings, investment planning, and generally using communication to further big-picture objectives. Unfortunately, Luna is square Neptune later in the evening, and people may feel distracted, confused, or, bluntly, ;) stoned.

Wednesday: Mars is conjunct Pluto. Good for contract killers, corporate raiders, psycho stalkers, and spies. Mean people will make a lot of money on a body count. Luna is opposite Saturn in the morning, making people feel tired/depressed and way less open to hearing about cool new plans, but this trend lightens up quite a bit by evening when Luna trines Mercury and sextiles Uranus, and people feel jazzed about experiencing new perspectives and exploring unusual concepts. This cage gets rattled with the violence of a lightning strike as Mercury opposes Uranus late at night and early Thursday morning. Shocking gossip, disruptive arguments, broken agreements, and paradigm-busting inventions all fit the theme. You'll never guess who's getting married/divorced/outted/transitioning/moving to Mars! If you liked The L Word, this is kind of a cool transit - though hopefully it doesn't go full OJ thanks to Mars having nuclear capability on the same day.

Thursday: Pretty chill. Luna square Jupiter makes some of us overindulge in spending and rich food, but this is generally fun until we get the bill.

Friday: Moon in Cancer opposite Mars and Pluto. You know those horrible Lifetime movies where the noble-hearted mom realizes A Terrible Secret about some guy, with life-changing results? Alternatively, the privacy of the public being compromised by various forms of domestic spying and data harvesting? Fuck that shit, but here we are. An epic battle to save innocent lives from a heartless monster, with many puttings-on of tiny jackets and changes of addresses and identities, or a conspiracy at the highest levels of whatever to something something something world domination. Just picture half the plotlines of Heroes Reborn, and that's it.

Saturday: a relaxing, luxurious, romantic evening as Luna in Leo trines Venus. A good night to go out dancing or to the theater. Also, the Sun enters Scorpio, and as we move into next week people lose the indecisiveness and become intensely focused on a given plan of action, with particular precision on Thursday the 27th when Mercury is in the heart of the Sun, and rising energy levels and dedication after the New Moon in Scorpio on the 30th.

Monday: Good for analysis and mental work.

Tuesday the 25th sucks for relationships, and the topic of women being victimized/enslaved is at the forefront (Moon in Virgo square Venus and Saturn while Venus is exactly square Neptune). Watch out for allergies and contamination.

Wednesday the 26th: Venus is sextile Jupiter, which is pretty good for social events, but note that Venus is approaching a conjunction with Saturn, so be careful of etiquette and strive to be formal and correct.

Friday the 28th: Mars square Uranus is good for sudden hook-ups with unusual people, and unexpected violence and accidents. Psychos will be thrilled that finally shit stops being boring. Normal people will not be so jazzed.

Saturday: sucks. Venus is conjunct Saturn and Luna is square Mars. Everyone is pissy and has slow-self-esteem, and a zit.

Saturday the 30th: Starting a major creative writing or music project in favored by this New Moon, which is conjunct Mercury and trine Neptune - particularly if the themes are dark, obsessive, and involve things like communication with the dead. Oh, and if you actually can commune with the dead, there's that option too. A really good night for a Halloween party! If you're interested in this sort of thing, a dramatic sexual tension may be humming through the air.

Sunday, October 16th, 2016
11:42 am
Populus, party of two
I was braced for the alpacalypse, but it was like:



No windstorm. I feel sorry for Cliff; he tried to communicate that the storm looked a lot smaller as the dire date approached, but after a tornado hit the Oregon coast and someone got hurt in a windstorm locally on Thursday, people were ready for anything.

I had looked at the dramatic Full Moon chart as set for Seattle after Cliff made his post, and was confused that no planets were conjunct angles. Usually the locations that have a configuration rising, setting, culminating or on the nadir gets the brunt of the event depicted. All we had was the Moon-Uranus conjunction trine the IC; which isn't nothing, but also isn't 50-year-stormworthy.

Vietnam had a deadly flood though, killing 21 and destroying tens of thousands of houses. At that location, during the exact Full Moon Mars and Pluto were tightly conjunct the Ascendant, Sol and Mercury were conjunct the Midheaven, and Luna and Uranus were conjunct the IC. That's so dire I'm glad it wasn't worse.

On the other hand, the Phillipines got hit by a typhoon; the Full Moon was square the Ascendant in that chart. There was property damage, 12000 people evacuated, and one person is missing. In that case, the Mars-Pluto conjunction was not a major factor.

24 people were killed during a stampede that happened at a pilgrimage in India. The Full Moon chart for Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh had the Mars-Pluto conjunction conjunct the descendant (mass death), and Jupiter conjunct the IC (religion). Interesting that it manifested as a panic during a journey (Mars and Pluto square Mercury) rather than a storm.

41 people were killed in a Baghdad suicide blast, and eight more in a separate attack. No planets were angular in the Full Moon chart set for Baghdad! It certainly fit the general transits, but yeah.

But that's nothing compared to the Baghdad truck bombing in July, which killed 324 people. That attack happened during a Mutable Grand Cross when the Moon, one leg of the cross, was dark. That place is so dangerous that all bets are off. I set the event chart for July 3 2016 12:05 AM Arabia Standard Time; which, since it was midnight, naturally puts Sol on the IC, in this case with Mercury and Venus. Uranus (explosions) was conjunct the Ascendant, and Pluto (mass death) was conjunct the MC. I was expecting Mars to be active, and he was in his home sign Scorpio where he's very strong, but he wasn't angular, and he wasn't afflicted. Oooookay . . . Venus is angular and trine Mars, and *that's* what happened? D: Still, Grand Cross though.

My own Full Moon was pretty calm, at first. We went to get the juice pressed out of the grapeskins (phase 2 of making red wine), and it wasn't even raining. We even missed the long line of other vintners waiting to use the press by wandering over there late. I'm hoping the wine will decent: we made Cabernet sauvignon and sangiovese, and it smells good. For some reason, the same number of lbs of grapes per batch yielded a gallon more of one variety than the other.

Things got fucked when Steve heard about a supposedly free music event on the local college radio station, on a show where a Scottish-style fiddler was performing and being interviewed. We really enjoyed his performance, so hey, why not go to this thing and see him live. Worst idea ever. The event took place on two floors of a hotel that were rented by promoters, whose talent were all performing constantly in each of the rooms. So that's a lot of fucking banjos. What we didn't know was that it was invitation-only, and even though the DJ told us the public was welcome, we were crashing. Since the event started at 10 PM I was already annoyed because I just wanted to go to bed, not sit around with a bunch of strangers in very close quarters.

I mean, there are people who like to party in convention hotel rooms, and people who never had, never planned to and would totally rather do taxes than make small talk in a room with eight chairs crowded between a bed and a dresser. I had been a member of the latter group. This was a scene, and I don't do scenes. Similar scenes are Pantheacon, ComicCon, and the Lifestyles Convention (this is where swingers try to wife-swap for the first time, one or the other of the girls starts crying, and everyone has a bad time and goes home with a rash - but I myself have never been to one). These types always treat me like shit because I seldom have a clue who the fuck the rinky-dick celebrities are supposed to be, and fail to act sufficiently . . . whatever. If I knew what I was always doing wrong, I wouldn't be doing it, now would I. I don't pose and say I'm into their stuff the way they are is one possibility. You know that when NOTOCON was in town I hid in my house. Anyway, social trainwreck incoming.

The DJ told all of Bellevue which floors this thing was on, so we just got in an elevator and went up. At first, things were chill. Someone asked us if we'd registered, and we told them we just heard about it on the radio that morning. The guy wearing the lanyard said it was a private event, actually, but we could stay and enjoy ourselves. Well, everyone was friendly until they found out we weren't in the industry. After a few hours we were straight-up told to leave. It was a bit humiliating, but I was just going along with what Steve wanted to do so I didn't care. I got to see the fiddler perform and that was pretty much the extent of my interest. Steve, however, was furious. He saw cops in the lobby and was sure the promoters were hoping to get us arrested.



Interestingly, only women were hostile towards us. I bet every dude there had crashed his share of parties, and figured Steve was a guy like them. I mean, you know, they wander the Earth in search of gigs; presumably they're not strictly concerned with the social niceties - you have to be a brash dick to get strangers to possibly say yes to a request, and when you're on the road, strangers abound. But there's an insincerity involved in making yourself likeable to people who can do you favors; and you can't get away from the cold shoulder once favor-seekers realize you're just a rando, either. I'm so not about that. Schmoozing feels like next-level panhandling.

I just figured out that this is what we crashed: https://www.musicgorilla.com/how-it-works/

Oh well. Cunts. These are not big-time musicians, they're folk singer-songwriters who've hustled their way one step above busking on a street corner. It's not our fault a DJ let two entire (very quiet) members of "the public" get wind of their secret clubhouse.
Thursday, October 13th, 2016
11:43 am
Why didn't you just say so
Ha ha, burn!

Rousseau hoped that purity of intention, including the earnest desire for truth, could somehow substitute for any lack of thinking prowess.

Okay fine: INFP it is. They like to travel about or explore the woods, befriending animals and weirdos. They're even willing to live in a van and/or with minimal possessions just so they don't have to get a shitty job that doesn't help them find meaning in life or give them a creative outlet. That's, uh . . . me exactly. I'm always bummed that the other INFPs are too busy smoking dope at festivals to hang out with someone who doesn't go in for the Full Hippie Stereotype (I do NOT think everyone is beautiful inside, or has good intentions, man: however the angry sarcasm doesn't go over with these guys at all, as it could be a symptom of thinking, which might lead to getting shit done, and the next thing you know you're sober and the dreadlocks are missing). Also I hate reggae. There. I said it. I'm not really into having fleas, either. So that's two things.

Even you guys probably think I'm too negative, cynical, and angry. Well whatever, hippies! I'm just a tiny ball of hatorate in a tie-dye dress.

OH, so the point of this post is that a massive storm is headed for Seattle on Saturday, the remnants of a typhoon. Here's what Cliff Mass has to say: A true monster storm, potentially as strong as the most powerful storm in NW history (the Columbus Day Storm of 1962) will be approaching our area on Saturday. The UW WRF sea level pressure forecast for 5 AM Saturday morning shows the approaching cyclone. The central pressure is an amazing 961 mb, with an unbelievably strong pressure gradient around it. Good thing I have that bomb defusing suit freshly drycleaned.
Tuesday, October 11th, 2016
11:01 am
The spectacle I'm not part of
We're studying MBTI for my business class, so I took another assessment. This time I got INFP. Usually I get INFJ or INTJ. It's probably the beta blockers calming me down. ;)

I can see it though; I used to have an extremely romantic, poetic sense of life, but people are so fucking disappointing I kind of threw that in a dumpster, poured gasoline on it and set it on fire. Regrets? Kinda. I used to be able to bliss out pretty much anywhere, but I needed to write about it to ground myself even slightly in reality. So, maybe I was a better writer. Or maybe it was all juvenile bilge.

I still have a hard time relating to things that are overly concrete. Example: am I sympathetic to others? Not if they keep going on about how their exact same animal needs still aren't being met, with no insight into what they really want or why they want it, or even what motivates their poor decision-making. I even bore myself with that kind of complaining. Those people often scapegoat others, so that's alienating. Yes yes, women/minorities/privileged white guys did this to you. Why don't you shut up before you end up in my dumpster fire you no-insight-having piece of crap.

On the other hand, the universal pain no one avoids forever makes me see people sympathetically, in that we're all on the same long slide to losing everything we have - even things we don't realize we have. So . . . my empathy is universal, big-picture, however doesn't make me interested in getting on the phone and talking someone through their latest drama. I don't see problems as having solutions, or the attainment of objectives as something that will make the whining switch to bragging for longer than a day or two. I see the world as quicksand; have a little dignity while you're slowly sucked under, it's not like everyone else isn't going through the same thing. On the other hand, there's no point in dwelling on it, so have a beer and enjoy the view. The beautiful details are the good part - actually the only good part, other than the glimpses of the elegant order behind phenomena.

Which type only cares about abstract aesthetics and could give a shit about imposing change on the here-and-now? I see life as loss, yes, but we exist in a huge, endlessly complicated work of art which is ever-self-renewing, so there's that. We're not on a quest and there's no Grail. We're not playing a game and there's no trophy. We're not climbing anything and there's no peak. We're sinking. We're getting pulled out with the tide. Things develop, but only so there's something that can crack, decay, and dissolve back to chaos.

I think people who take an interest in others and feel motivated to get involved with their communities are fascinating because they're alien. Actually, the things I'm studying in school are all the things I normally never think about: how civilization is literally put together, down to the metal studs. I hope it's good for me. People who think that efforts are NOT futile sort of amaze me. All my efforts have been water down the drain, and all is vanity, but okay; maybe it's just me. So I would say that I'm the opposite of a leader, which does sound about right for INFP.

But then again it's probably just a mood. I hate October; it brings this out in me. The rain is always falling, the light is always grey, the slimy leaves melt off the trees and coagulate on the pavement. Fungus and mold reclaim the world.
Monday, October 10th, 2016
11:52 am
I wrote this for lilchiva
But the journal says I lack rights to view or post. :(

So here:

I'd look that up.

Holy crap, I'm glad I did!

Dag Hammarskjold died in a plane crash on the way to cease-fire negotiations on September 18, 1961 (time unknown to me). On that day, Mars in Libra was square Jupiter in Capricorn! Mars was also closely square Saturn in Capricorn, and conjunct Mercury. Libra rules diplomacy, Mercury negotiations, Mars wars and crashes, Jupiter high-ranking officials, and Saturn (in Capricorn especially) rules mines and mineral rights (that's what started the conflict).

Just a little history repeating itself:

This last Saturday, Luna in Capricorn was square Jupiter and conjunct Mars, as well as conjunct Pluto; she was also square Sol, meaning it was a first quarter moon. Basically Mars square Jupiter got kicked in the nuts.

Warning: tomorrow, Mercury is conjunct Jupiter, and Mercury will be square Mars on Thursday. Not a good week for travel if you're a diplomat or work in a Mars-ruled profession, but one day is particularly harsh. Mercury is square Pluto on Saturday the 15th, which is a Full Moon, which happens to be closely conjunct Uranus. So, Saturday is the day I'd bunker up. I don't like to be all "explosive vest alert!" every time I see one of these, but better smart than full of shrapnel if you're in a high-risk job or location. I mean come on, Moon in Aries is square Mars first thing in the morning, then opposite Mercury, then square Pluto, and _then_ the Full Moon lands on the planet that rules shocking change and revolution? Dude! I'll be wearing this:

Tuesday, October 4th, 2016
11:15 am
Look at me, I'm in a frat
Steve gave me his cold. He needs to stop doing that. A lot of people were sick at school, so it was probably inevitable.

On the plus side, I joined Phi Theta Kappa. I don't know if it's as prestigious as Phi Beta Kappa, but it couldn't hurt to have that on an application to a 4-year university. The website automatically hooked me up with Beta Lambda Lambda, a Black fraternity - I guess because I said I was mixed race? That's cool though. I mean, I can't prove it, but aren't we all (West Coast Americans anyway; everyone came here to get the fuck away from crappy East Coast winters, I hypothesize, and madly swapped gametes on the Oregon Trail. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.)

Did you know that industries have these weird insider codes they use so that non-initiates can't figure out what the fuck is going on? Yeah, ASHRAE has a code assigned to locations called CDD50, which stands for Cooling Degree Days base 50. If you look up Miami, for example, the number you get is 9000. What the fuck does that mean, might you ask? So glad you did! Every day, the median temperature is collected. The number of degrees above 50 is calculated. All those numbers are added together for the entire year. So if 9000 is divided by 365 and you get about 25, it means the median temperature in Miami over an entire year is 50+25, or 75F. There are different bases given in different tables, so you have to keep an eye out. But, I mean. Is it really easier to say 9000 than 75F? It's all madness, madness I tell you. This number is used to determine things like how much insulation a new building is required to have according to code (not fucking much with a number like 9000). If your building sucks, it gets red-tagged and occupancy is forbidden. However, you can do trade-offs, so if one thing doesn't quite hit the mark but another thing exceeds requirements you can get a pass.

Uh, yeah, this is my life now. Sorry there isn't more stuff about gametes.
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